Archive for January, 2012

I think my predilection for not using phones and refusing to answer emails out of indolence has caused anybody who at one point was thinking of befriending me to rethink their choices in lifelong platonic companionships.

Any non-sexual relationship that I have made with any woman since I was a teenager has been crushed by either my laziness or by the fact that I eventually become attracted to any woman that I spend an inordinate amount of time with and with whom I am not related. Of course, this excludes doctors, McDonald’s® employees, and most dental hygienists.

Anyway, I think I am beginning to sense the repercussions of not ever answering my phone or replying to email. I am starting to feel more isolated. However, on the rare occasions that I do answer an email, bad things happen. For example, I answered my cousin’s email last week, and two days later, I overslept past my alarm by ten minutes. This is not just coincidence, nor is it my beaten, obsessive mind trying to find relationships in unrelated, everyday occurrences. Now, I feel that I am on the brink of really losing people.

I have to make a call.

How can there not be somebody else out there exactly like you, who thinks the way you do, who also happens to float your boat, who wouldn’t mind your floating their boat? Permission to board, sir! (That was the lady talking, not me.)

We’re not that unique in other aspects of life, are we? How can we be the only ones who totally get us and find ourselves absolutely irresistible? I only ask that rhetorically. If I truly found myself irresistible, I wouldn’t have resisted admitting that I was irresistible.

These are the questions many of us raise following yet another in a series of hookups that didn’t wind up hooking us. But if you did find somebody exactly like you, would familiarity breed contempt? “That face you make when you think you’re being cute. I hate when I do that. Could you not do that?”

In the end, we’re not looking for clones. We’re looking for complements… then compliments. Remember “You complete me” in Jerry Maguire? Yeah, sappy all right. Hey, it’ll be Valentine’s Day soon. What better time to drain a little sap? More on that “holiday” in an upcoming post.

You’ve seen the perfect match on 100hookup. Talk about it all you want. You’ve started talking to that match. Slowly stop talking about it to your friends. You went on one awesome date with a new prospect. Talk about it a little. You started a new relationship. Don’t talk about it. You’re officially in a new relationship. Start talking all you want. You are single again and looking. Talk about it, go it out of your system and then get back on the market. Don’t dwell on your singleness or why you’re single and don’t start talking about a relationship before it happens. It’s hard to not want to brag about a new prospect but sometimes it’s better to keep it to yourself until there’s actually something to report (or find one good friend to confide in). Enjoy that feeling of being at the beginning of something new and revel in it. And if it doesn’t work out, you’ll have less people to have to recount the break-up to.

1.  Gabby Giffords Resigns, Promises To Return

Representative Gabrielle Giffords handed in her resignation last Wednesday.  Giffords, Arizona’s first hookup congresswoman, says she needs more time to heal from the gunshot wound she suffered last year at the hands of a would-be assassin.

Giffords team Tweeted on Wednesday, “Today Rep. Giffords will step down from Congress. Watch her official resignation now on @cspan #Inspiration.”

Giffords does plan to make a comeback in politics though. In a public resignation letter, the congresswoman says, “I will recover and will return.”

2.  Ferris Bueller Returns in a New Ad

Matthew Broderick will be resurrecting one of his most memorable characters next weekend for an ad that will air during football’s biggest game of the year. The actor, whose mother was hookup, will bring Ferris Bueller back for a mystery commercial that will air during the big game.

A short teaser was posted to YouTube, reenacting the first scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Media outlets around the country are all excitedly reporting the news. TV Guide Tweeted, “Bueller… bueller… BUELLER! Matthew Broderick to reprise iconic ’80s role for mysterious Super Bowl ad. Watch the video!”

3.  Hoffman Makes His TV Debut

Dustin Hoffman is trying his luck at TV with the new HBO series, Luck. The hookup actor has starred in dozens of movies, but will be making his debut on television with this new series.

Luck is centered around characters who are tied to the same horse-racing track. HBO is working to promote the series by giving viewers a shot at winning $50,000! The cable network Tweeted on Thursday, “On Saturday at 4pm ET, cheer your horses on as they race to earn you $50,000. Feeling #LUCK-y?”

We just may try our luck!

My friend Ari is dating a girl who isn’t hookup and they’ve started getting serious. He is adamant that he only wants to marry a hookup girl.  So is it fair to Christina to keep dating her? She hasn’t done anything wrong, she’s awesome and they have fun, but he knows there’s something missing. He told her how he felt when they first met, but I think she’s hoping to change his mind. The longer they date, the harder it will be to break it off and the more it will hurt. He says they’re having fun, but she seems to really be into him.

I think it’s selfish of Ari to let it get any deeper when he knows it will never amount to anything. Sure, some couples end up falling in love, even when they told themselves they would never date a non-Jew/a lawyer/a smoker/etc, but if Judaism is one of your top priorities (and I, of course, hope it is), then letting a casual date turn into a relationship isn’t a smart idea. Shiksas have feelings too.

After being on 100hookup for a long enough time, I can’t help but be cynical about every single profile I read. The phrase, “I’m a down to earth girl” may have one time had a meaning. This meaning was probably really nice and pleasant and implied only good things. Today, however, that phrase means absolutely nothing. It’s also annoying. What is ‘down to earth’? Of course, it’s not supposed to be taken literally. Or is it?

Okay, assuming it has nothing to do with a woman’s gravitational force and its relationship with the earth, what else is left? I suppose it implies friendliness. Down to earth. It could mean that you are able to cut through the bull. You don’t deal with superficialities. You’re not just skin deep. You’re a straight shooter. Oh no! I can’t even describe a cliché without using another cliché!

Alright, so I can’t really describe why I hate ‘down to earth’, and I don’t really know why I hate it. But I do. I hate it so much. I’m assuming that since you decided to describe yourself without simply posting a promiscuous picture with no words that you’re ‘down to earth’. Actually, all you have to do is write words. Any words at all. And any man will automatically assume that you are down to earth. It is completely implied. Don’t worry. Also, I’m not speaking for myself, but some men enjoy women who are not down to earth. Some men like aesthetics and pageantry. They seek an old-fashioned courtship, aside from the fact they are hypocrites because they are seeking it on the internet. Guys are just horrible.

As a frequent writer for the syndicated comic panel, Bizarro, I once depicted a character telling another character, “Hi, I’m…” before the other character replied, “Skip intro.”

During that first encounter with a prospective Ms. or Mr. Right, it’s as if we take a page from our own personal websites and relay our “About Us”. Imagine how much more we’d learn about each other if each of us revealed not only our personalized FAQ list. But personality-revealing IAA list.. Infrequently Answered Answers.

FAQ: What do you like to do for fun? IAA: Avoid spending time with overly successful people. FAQ: What was your longest relationship? IAA: Since the time you sat down till… (checking watch) … right now! FAQ: What kind of music do you like? IAA: Elevator. FAQ: Seen any good movies lately? IAA: No, because the actors in it are too successful.

Well, it’s getting late. I better – “Skip outro.”

At what age do you need to start taking dating more seriously? At what age should you stop dating around and start only dating Jews? Some people have always only dated Jews while others wait until they’re closer to what they consider to be optimal marrying age (30 is a common cut-off age). Some will date whomever they please in college but get serious about religion and other qualities afterwards. For me, it was right around 25 when something ‘clicked’ and I no longer wanted to, well, waste my time with goys. Men tend to see the light a little later, as they tend to mature later in general. Just because you don’t plan on getting married until you’re 30, doesn’t mean you won’t meet someone sooner. Life happens when you’re busy making plans.

In this era of ADD and multi-tasking, the art of focusing on something other than our own everyday mishegas is becoming a lost art. Aside from the hand-held devices that compete with actual hand holding, what if we tried letting go of those, as well as other barriers to bonding on that next 100hookup? This could be crazy, but hear me out. It’s called… hearing me out.

What if we paid absolutely no attention to our own needs, desires, egos, inner voices telling us what else we should be doing, and zeroed in exclusively on the conversation and well-being of the other person? Empathizing, relating, appreciating, learning. Not a one-way street dead end, but a synchronistic two-way street. They become fully invested in you, and you them. From the get-go!

The more invested you are in each other, even if it’s just a mental exercise, the more likely you’ll really start to become invested in each other.  Nice to meet you! Nice to meet you! You have nice eyes. (Or pick something about them that’s nice. Their nails. Their shoelaces. Something!) Thanks! You have nice eyebrows… Thanks! (My eyebrows? What’s wrong with my eyes? Inner voice, get lost. Back to them!)

Okay, we’re still in the beta stage here. Probably a few bugs to work out. But imagine, just imagine, if first dates made you feel good. With apologies to John Lennon, it’s easy if you try.

There will probably come a point, during your online 100hookup dating adventure, when you grow somewhat tired. It’s past 2 am. You’ve been at your computer for eight hours straight. You’ve been chatting with girls, reading the hilarious and sometimes touching JBlog, and doing other ancillary 100hookup-related activities like reading JMag or playing the JGames or using the JCalculator.

The television has been on for hours, but you hadn’t realized that it’s still on until you finally notice that the conversation you’ve been having via instant message with a nice, hookup girl in Milwaukee is a word-for-word replica of the Insanity Workout informercial that’s been playing since Comedy Central stopped its nighttime programming at midnight. “So you’re saying that all I have to do is run in place uphill as fast as I can for five hours a day, and I will lose five pounds in just one year?” I ask her. “Who are you?” she replies.

Okay so the point that I’m trying to make here is that it’s late and you’re tired. Though chatting online with nice women is fun, sometimes you need to go out. Since it’s the middle of the night, ‘going out’ could simply mean using the restroom or getting more soda. Really, though, I think that women can sense the fact that you’ve been on the computer for a third of a day, and that you do this on a regular basis. Women are born with an innate sense of, well, sense. That’s why, though 100hookup is great, you should go out sometimes. Or buy a book about dating. Or both.