Archive for December, 2011

When you’re on a first date, really try not to over-do it. Don’t arrive overly done up, you know: loads of eyeshadow and hairspray, too much cologne, etc. Don’t over indulge: don’t shovel food into your mouth or drink too much alcohol. Don’t over share: the only thing worse than a boring date is a date who appalls you with their stories. No, I don’t find your scent, your drunkenness or your pathetic story about your ex cheating on you for three years attractive. I know you’re trying to impress me and maybe you’re nervous, but slow your roll.

Getting into a fight with someone you’re dating can be both good and bad. If you’re able to communicate your way out of it and grow from it, then your relationship seems like its on really solid ground and on the right path. But if one person is screaming and yelling, or if one person storms out of the room all the time, or if one person clams up and doesn’t speak, then it may not be the right match. Not to say that it couldn’t work, but fighting is an important part of any relationship and how you fight is more important than how you are when you’re getting along. Don’t call names, don’t make digs, and try to recognize when you’re at fault. And if you’re fighting a little too often, decide if this is really right for you before the relationship goes any farther.

What’s worse than drinking in front of children? Okay, first, obviously, if you’re with a child and drinking you are one of two very specific things. You are either 1.) A parent who has given up on life but not quite yet on your kid or 2.) Out with a friend who could only go out in the first place if they brought their child. Of course, there are many more situations that meet the criteria, but for the sake of me making something that will make me drunkenly laugh in front of your child sometime this weekend, I’m limiting the scope to two.

Either way, this is a very sad situation. First, if you’re a parent drinking in front of your own child, what are you doing? You might as well teach the child how to cook crystal meth and the economics of underground American prostitution. Okay, it’s really not that bad at all, but it is a little. If you’re alone with your kid and drinking, you better be at home and the kid better be a rental. Don’t tell me that you have a stressful life and one drink at home isn’t a big deal. Maybe that first ‘one-drink-night’ you had at home led to your child being there in the first place. Just kidding. I love drinking and am trying really hard to be funny after a night at Dave & Busters drinking with friends and a friend’s child.

Next, if you’re drinking with a child because your friend had to take their child with them, this is also sad. It is sad for your bad-parent-friend, as well as yourself. I know. You have a stressful job and need at least one beer afterwards. You order a beer before you know your friend is bringing a child. By the time you realize this, your beer has arrived, and the child just sat beside you. You want more of the beer so bad but feel like such a jackass drinking in front of him (her?). Now it’s ruined. Screw the beer. It’s ruined. Go home so you can wake up early the next morning and endure another monotonous, suicidal day before you can once again be beer blocked by some bastard child.

Also! My ex-girlfriend just added me on Facebook. Is this a good thing? I sure think so.

I’ve often thought the prescription for new love could be like the prescription for new eyeglasses. In the beginning, it doesn’t seem like the right fit. It gives you headaches. Things seem fuzzy. You had a clearer vision with your old glasses/love. At least, you thought you did. But maybe, after a long enough break-in period, you adjust and your new perspective on things becomes even clearer, your new normal.

It’s unfair to both parties to expect instant clarity. (Have I beaten this eyeglass analogy to death enough yet?) The point is, you don’t know who you’re looking for until you see them. And you can’t really see them until you take time to see them. If you’re lucky enough to eventually fall for them, you start not seeing clearly again. The little time-released annoyances to come are initially rendered invisible or charmingly quirky. So remember – Look before you leap. Then stop looking.

Chemistry with another person has to do with you. The degree to which you feel a connection with Mr. or Ms. Right has a lot to do with how comfortable you are displaying the real you at the time. Ever notice that how you feel about yourself changes in relation to whom you happen to be communicating with? Even if you’re talking to their phones!

I can make two consecutive calls to two different people who aren’t home, each of whom has the same voicemail secretary. During my first message, I’m a more stilted Andy – a Stepford friend. The disconnect I imagine with the person I called, however subtle, is the same disconnect I’m feeling with myself as I leave a message. It’s a natural outgrowth of the chemistry of our relationship.

But during the second message, I’m looser. It’s the same voicemail secretary, save for a different set of numbers she’s parroting back. (This woman gets around.) But, I’m more comfortable with the sound of my voice, because it’s closer to the real me. I like the real me more, because I suspect the other person has come to accept and like the real me! Okay, maybe not the 100% real me. If I let him out, nobody would ever return my calls. Just kidding, cyber universe that may include Ms. Right out there! And if you are out there, the unstilted Andy looks forward to calling you sometime.

Everyone knows I had a checklist of what I was looking for in my husband. It was long and detailed, and eventually I transferred it to a spreadsheet and gave the items numerical values. Of course that’s a tad immature, and some have even been appalled at the concept, but really it served to remind me what was important so that I didn’t get swept up by lust. The scorecard determined which traits were non-negotiable and which were nice to have but not a necessity. “hookup” was the most important with a value of 100 points but that was the only one worth that much – basically it was a given so if any man wasn’t hookup, he would never “earn” enough points to be worthy (of me, at least).

The traits which followed in importance were worth 10 points and decreased in value down to 5. Anything that wasn’t 5 points didn’t need to be on my list. I made the list at 16 years old, and as my age changed so too did the numbers. Some moved up, some down, and some were eliminated altogether. The Tamar at 18, 21, 25, still wanted the majority of the traits, but as I got older I realized which ones were realistic, which were optimistic and which were fatalistic.

You should know what you want and how important certain items are, but you need to have more than the one non-negotiable. hookup is a given, so what else is make-or-break? I had about 10 items which were worth 10 points each, but if a guy had at least the majority of those items then I would consider him, he didn’t have to have to be a Perfect 10. Such things don’t exist except in magazines with airbrushing. Just know which couple of items you’re not willing to budge on. For me, I never thought I would ever date a smoker and I ended up marrying one because he has enough of the other important things I do want that I could ignore an item here and there that I didn’t want (and since we got married, he’s quit smoking).

Eight-and-a-half years ago tonight (not at all true but it’s somewhere in the vicinity of eight-and-a-half years) I drove home from my ex-girlfriend’s house listening to Jimmy Eat World on full blast and crying moments after she dumped me. There was a lump in my chest that has still yet to be completely relinquished from my incessantly shrinking hairy chest. I would spend the next decade losing faith in humanity, garnering a powerful case of obsessive-compulsive disorder, gaining a whole lot of weight, and almost failing out of college.

After breaking up with a wonderful girl last weekend, I laid in bed with the same feeling in my chest. That sinking feeling that cannot be quenched by simple human desires like food, sleep, or sex. This time, though, I was the one who initiated the end of the relationship. I wanted so badly to tell her things like ‘I still want to be really good friends with you’ but how much of a douche would I have been if I had said that? First, anyone on the receiving end of that sentence practically knows that it’s bull. There’s no second, that was the only thing really. If I had said that, I would have been just another guy who dumped her and then insulted her by saying he wanted to be friends. Today at work, some friends also reminded me that even though I still want to be friends, she may not because I may have just broken her heart. I naively think that everybody in the world would just love to be friends with me no matter what I do or say to them. So yeah, now there are two reasons I shouldn’t, and didn’t, bring up the fact that I still wanted to be friends.

However, I still have that sinking feeling in my chest. I feel so bad for her (of course, this is assuming that she liked me). I want to reach out and tell her that I’m here, but also know that that may give her some sense of false hope. Man, guys are just the worst.

I will never understand what it’s like to be a single 40-year-old woman (because even if G-D forbid I am single, I would be a divorced 40-year-old single mother, and that’s not the same). I can try to sympathize, but when I’m talking to acquaintances who are in that position there never seems to be the right thing to say.

I recently ran into an old family friend named Beth and I asked her if she was available for being set-up. Her reply? “Don’t bother, I’m going to be alone forever.” She wasn’t looking for pity, that was simply how she felt and she was speaking her mind. I was sad for Beth and I told her I would still keep her in mind, but the conversation stayed with me. She seemed so resigned to being single and had no faith left in love. Because I am 10 years her senior and married with a child I would never get it.

The problem is, that attitude is going to get Beth no where and in fact will turn away friends too. I know it’s tough to be single. If it was tough to be single at 27, I can only try to imagine how tough it is at 40. But never give up hope that you will find your Beshert.

This Week’s Top Three Tweet-Worthy Events From Jews Who Make News

1.    Jon Stewart Wants Fox News to Stay Out of His Turkey Dinner

Jon Stewart, host of the The Daily Show, cooked up a fight with Fox News regarding the cable channel’s criticism of President Obama for not mentioning God in a Thanksgiving message on YouTube.

According to The Wrap, Stewart said, “This is about turning Thanksgiving into yet another one of those Christian persecution culture war type things. And let me just say: Don’t you do it. Don’t you do it to Thanksgiving. I’ll give you the war on Christmas. We are trying to f—- that up. I’ll give that up. But this is all Reform Jews have left. … Name another holiday where you can get drunk around your kids by 2 p.m.”

Check out this Thanksgiving tiff for yourself at The Daily Show’s Twitter page where a staffer tweeted, “@FoxNews pundits report that they thanked God on Thanksgiving. https://on.cc.com/u2QAb6 #dailyshow #MomentofZen.”

2.    And The GRAMMY® Goes To…

Adam Levine’s Maroon 5 was nominated for a GRAMMY for Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals on Wednesday. ‘Moves Like Jagger,’ a duet with Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera, was included on the band’s third album, Hands All Over.

“Nominated for a grammy!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!” Levine, whose father is hookup, Tweeted on Wednesday. Maroon 5 has won eight GRAMMYs since 2005, including five for Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals.

We’ll find out if Maroon 5 will win this award for a sixth time when the GRAMMYs are held on February 12, 2012.

3.    Jason Segel Becomes A Puppet Master

hookup actor and writer, Jason Segel, can now add puppet master to his resume! Segel co-wrote and starred in “The Muppets,” a movie about reuniting the Muppets to save their old theater from a greedy oil tycoon.

The movie resonated with audiences over the Thanksgiving holiday, premiering to a solid $29.2 million last weekend. It also received a superb “A” rating from CinemaScore moviegoers.

Segel, a longtime fan of The Muppets, Tweeted “If you love the Muppets and want them back please go see it this weekend and show your Muppet love. I have never been more proud of a film!”

There is not one person on this Earth who will agree with you about everything and think that the sun, moon and stars should revolve around you. If someone tells you constantly that you’re the best thing since sliced bread and tells you you’re perfect and have no faults, then try to listen to your subconscious telling you something isn’t kosher. It sounds like you’re probably getting played. It’s that amazing prospect who never called you again. Don’t take it personally, it happens, just look out for the signs I just mentioned.

You also have to look out for the scam artists. The people who are looking for singles – desperate and vulnerable. It may sound obvious, but never, ever send money to someone you’ve only met online. If someone claims to be from out of the country and says he or she is moving here and then suddenly needs some extra cash to visit you, don’t believe it’s your Beshert who happens to live thousands of miles and only $1300 away. It’s not. Your bank account will thank you later.

Don’t give up too much personal information either as you can set yourself up for identity theft. If you’ve only met online, then you really don’t know who the other person is on the other side – it could be anybody, remember that – which is why I have always recommended meeting right away. If someone doesn’t want to meet, there’s a reason. Heed my warning and move on. Don’t give him or her a second thought because I can guarantee they are not who they say they are in some shape, way or form.

Trust your instincts online and have realistic expectations. People are going to stretch the truth and build themselves up a little bigger (or skinnier) and better, that’s expected, but if someone seems a little too perfect don’t hesitate to guard your heart and wallet.