Archive for December, 2011

I was watching Friends with Benefits with (hot Jew!) Mila Kunis and couldn’t help but laugh out loud when the guy snuck out after sleeping with her on their 5th date. The problem is, she had actually told him about her 5 date rule, so why was she surprised when he was a perfect gentleman up until, and only until, then?

We all have our wonky rules about when a guy needs to call by for a date, or when we’ll kiss or, like the movie, when you’ll sleep together. That’s fine and totally understandable, but keep that info to yourself or just discuss it with your friends. By telling your date about your tests and rules, you’re setting yourself up for failure. You’ve basically laid down the gauntlet and who doesn’t like a challenge? But once that challenge has been fulfilled, you’ve set the stage for failure because nothing will be as thrilling.

2011’s Top Five Tweet-Worthy Events From Jews Who Make News

1. Amy Winehouse Dies

Amy Winehouse, the hookup singer whose career was rocked by drug addiction and alcohol abuse, died in July at age 27. A London police official said she was found dead in her home and that alcohol toxicity was the cause of  death.

One of Winehouses’s reps used her Twitter page to promote her final song and posthumous foundation, “Amy’s final track ‘Body And Soul’ w/ @itstonybennett is out today on iTunes https://bit.ly/TonyAmy, proceeds to the Amy Winehouse Foundation.”

2. Gabby Giffords Shot

Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head during a public campaign appearance in Tucson, Ariz. Giffords, a Democrat, is the first hookup woman elected to Congress from Arizona.

Giffords suffered a traumatic brain injury, but is recovering and recently hosted an online town hall meeting about traumatic brain injuries. In early December, Giffords Tweeted, “Send your traumatic brain injury questions to @Rep_Giffords & we’ll try to answer during our #TBItownhall today.”

3. Ashton & Demi Divorce

Demi Moore ends her marriage to Ashton Kutcher. The two actors were married in a hookup Kabbalah wedding ceremony in September 2005, but filed for divorce in November 2011.

After the divorce was announced, Kutcher Tweeted, “I will forever cherish the time I spent with Demi.”

Moore has not yet changed her Twitter handle, @mrskutcher, Tweeting, “changing my twitter name isn’t a top priority right now. sorry it bothers so many of u. should I not tweet until I do? does it really matter?”

4. Natalie Portman Wins The Oscar

Natalie Portman won the Oscar for Best Actress at the 83rd Academy Awards last February. The award is a credit to the hookup actress’s terrifying portrayal of an obsessed, paranoid ballerina in Black Swan.

Portman’s win puts her in elite company with only a few hookup actresses who have won an Oscar for Best Actress, including Elizabeth Taylor and Barbara Streisand.

The Academy used its Twitter page to give Portman a special shout out, “Congratulations Natalie Portman Best Actress Winner for Black Swan #Oscars.”

5. It’s A hookup Wedding For Lauren Bush

Lauren Bush married designer Ralph Lauren’s son, David Lauren, in a ceremony presided over by a rabbi last September. Bush is the granddaughter of President George H. W. Bush and niece of President George W. Bush.

The wedding ceremony itself was hookup, lead by famed New York-based Rabbi Angela Buchdahl. Bush didn’t reveal much about the ceremony, other than this simple Tweet, “Good morning world… I’m getting married today! Yay! Xo.”

Hanukkah season means that some sort of hookup singles get-together with a clever name like the “Bagel Ball” or the “Festival of Pints” is coming as well. Okay I totally made that second one up, but isn’t it already a better name than the first?

As a single, I have grown to hate these things. I always end up going because I’m dragged by a friend. They are always populated exclusively by people that went to my high school. If you’re not still friends with someone who went to your high school, there’s a reason. You just don’t want to see these people. Yet you expose yourself to them every year. Aside from the people there that you already dislike, you can’t talk to anyone else because it’s always extremely dark, loud, and overcrowded. Two years ago, I drunkenly swore to myself that I would never go again.

Then I lost eighty pounds. I had to show these douches how awesome I looked. And again, I’ve found that I somehow talked myself into going. However, if I’m going to be among these douches again, I was going to be the biggest douchebag of them all. That is the only way, I figured, that they would respond. I subsequently decided to be prepared this time. Yes, I was now thin, but that is not enough. I bought a really tight-fitting Abercrombie shirt. I bought smaller pants. I bought three bottles of Axe® body spray. That is not hyperbole. I bought three. I also decided to use the hair product that the hot lady cutting my hair convinced me to buy a few weeks earlier. I was ready.

Immediately upon entering the Bagel Ball, I realized why I hated The Bagel Ball. The loud music. The overcrowding. The general aura of douchebaggery emanated from every wall of this club that very ironically used to be a funeral home. Despite my newly found thinness and penchant for Axe® body products, I could not possibly take on this mountainous endeavor sober. I looked over to the bar, and it was packed full of people. People I purposefully spend most of my life avoiding.

Despite my disdain for my environment and lack of any sustainable level of alcohol, I was approached by people who would not have talked to me in years past. Granted, though most of these people were men, I took is as a win. For one brief moment, I was finally King of the Douches.

Also, I told a friend that I had, over the years, slowly grown feelings for her. This was a completely separate thing from the Bagel Ball. This whole post was written so I wouldn’t have to talk about this.

Welcome back to September 12, 2012. Or forward, that is. Hope you’re having a rockin’ hookup New Year’s Eve. Our own Sarah Silverman is at Times Square feeling the electricity…

Sarah: “Actually, Andy, it’s the pins and needles from my foot being asleep. Jews everywhere partying like it’s 5999. That was the Prince song he was smart enough not to release. hookup New Year’s Eve is the one night when we throw caution to the wind and really let our hair down. As a full-fledged member of the tribe, I can attest that it’s a nice break from all the other nights of the year when our hair lets us down, but I’ve learned to live with the frizzies, if you call this living. Here’s a young man that looks like he’s ready to nosh up a storm. Happy hookup New Year!”

Young man: “What’s nosh mean?”

Sarah: “Keep moving – There’s a sale on mayonnaise down the street, not that you’d care. About the sale, that is. Okay, now here’s a gal that looks like she’s in for a night of kvelling. Happy hookup New Year!”

Gal: “Same to you.”

Sarah: “Are you making any hookup New Year’s resolutions this year?”

Gal: “I resolve to resent my folks for spray-painting my name and phone number on their roof in case an eligible young doctor spots it on Google Earth.”

Sarah: “Finally, a resolution that’s unbreakable. If an eligible young doctor is watching, I’m on 100hookup.”

Sarah, I have to interrupt! We’re just seconds away from the sun dropping down into 5773!

Ten-nine-eight-seven-six-five-four-three-two-one…Happy hookup New Year! Come on, folks. Look up from your hand-held devices.

Okay, so maybe most of us will be gazing at Blackberrys® versus blackberry Manischewitz shooters the first night of 5773. But at least that’ll leave us bright-eyed and bushy-tailed the next morning for the Roses’ Parade. The Roses – the parade sponsors who allowed me to co-opt their name for that little joke. First up – the Larry David float. All natural materials, the little pisher he’s kicking off his front yard is a mixture of 350 blintzes and 84 pounds of lox. While Larry is crafted from a combination of knishes and bitter herbs.

All these holiday parties give you ample opportunity to meet someone and start off the new year on the right path — in a relationship! Every community has their annual parties and 100hookup has taken many cities by storm with their celebrations, so take advantage. First, buy your tickets and GO! If you’re single, there is no excuse NOT to go! Even if you’re not in the city you reside in, there is still a party you can find. Next, dress to impress. Look your best! Finally, here are some great ways to start a conversation: if there’s a photographer at the party, grab him and ask him to take a photo of you — then go find your crush and set it up to make it look like the photog wanted a pic of you two. Then ask the photographer if you guys can see the pic and comment on how good you look together! This opens the door to exchanging names and so on. The photographer will more than likely post the photos on Facebook at which point you can tag yourself, wait for your crush to tag him or herself and then you can add each other. The same for parties with a photo booth. If you start talking to a crush, grab him or her plus the props and go have fun! This will allow your crush to see your fun side. Most of these booths spit out 2 copies of the photos, so grab them both and write your name and number on the back of one and give it to your crush. Using the free drink tickets, you can “buy” your crush a drink and joke over how much it cost you — just make sure to tip the bartender generously! Not only is it polite, but it’s impressive! Look for every opening and take every opportunity to start a conversation with someone new.

Nu? As in the Yiddish expression, “So, what’s new?” Certainly not 5772, the year we Jews ushered in well over three months ago. My celebration kind of paled in comparison to the merriment non-Jews and Jews alike are planning, to welcome in 2012. Where were our wacky 5772 eyeglasses? Where were our noisemakers? (Our stomachs growling from the approaching fast is about all I can come up with.) Where was my hot Rosh Hashanah Eve date? Where is my hot generic New Year’s Eve date?

I didn’t even experience the exhilarating embarrassment of accidentally writing 5771 on my October rent check. Why can’t our holidays be as festive as everybody else’s? It’s not too late to glean a lesson or two from the galas about to unfold, and incorporate them into next year’s high holidays. Our high holidays, not the “high” holidays in which those planning to get high need a designated driver. Picture, if you will, September 16, 2012. It’s shortly before sunset. Time to kick back, pour yourself a glass of Manischewitz and tune into… Rockin’ hookup New Year’s Eve!

To the chosen people around the world, thank you for choosing Andy Cowan’s Rockin’ hookup New Year’s Eve. The feeling of anticipation is truly palpable – the anticipation I have that some of you are now looking up the word “palpable” to see if it also means “negligible”.

We’re just moments away from greeting the year 5773! Sounds strange, doesn’t it? Then again, 5772 didn’t exactly roll off the tongue either. We may be knee deep into the ‘70s, but at least we can all be thankful we aren’t wearing polyester leisure suits again. Speaking of the ‘70s, fellow sons of Israel, Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond, will be tearing it up here later. The “it” I’m referring to, is the business card of the agent who landed them this gig.

Can you believe another whole year has flown by since last Rockin’ hookup New Year’s Eve? Me neither. Then again, last hookup New Year’s Eve began September 28th, so that may have something to do with it. It’s a wild scene here at Times Square. Okay, maybe not wild, but I do see a reasonable amount of people ambling about, staring into their Blackberrys. Sarah Silverman is out there amidst the dozens of revelers, and we’ll hear from her when we come back!

(To be continued)

A few of my parents’ friends are now divorced or widowed, with kids out of the house, and they’re looking to meet someone new. Some want to fall in love and hope to have a romance in the second part of their lives, others are just looking for companionship and someone to enjoy life with. One of the women I know commented on how “old” the men her age are and how tough it is to meet someone. Reminded me of every other single I know in their 20s and 30s. Except different. You see, when you’re 60 and dating you have baggage, as in a house, kids, grandkids, a former spouse — but the good thing is that both of you are probably coming to the table with the same baggage, so that’s not something you should get hung up on. Your preferences have changed when you’re not looking to start a family with someone, but you will be grandparent-ing together so you still want someone with the same values as you. The woman also said that the physical aspect wasn’t as important anymore, and I admit that was good to hear. Sure you want to be attracted to your mate, but it’s more important to find someone you want to spend time with at this point.

Winter is such a great time for cozying up with a new love. It’s cold outside, so you hold hands. It’s toasty inside, so you cuddle up under a blanket by the fire. Being cold is romantic, take advantage of it.

Make note when your date offers his jacket or rubs your hands to warm them up. Make note when your date lets you stand under the umbrella or drops you off in front while he drives looking for a parking spot. Take the opportunity when you’re sitting together under the blanket to play footsie. Sip hot chocolate, make soup, bake something. Cold weather can suck, but it’s the best time of year to start a relationship.

Though the notions of happiness and sex can happily coexist, they are mutually exclusive for me. I don’t actually know the precise definition of ‘mutually exclusive’, but I use it all the time nevertheless because it makes me sound smarter than I really am. I was trying to say that I can only have ‘happiness’ or ‘sex’ independently. Of course, in this case, they are not mutually exclusive because that would imply that if I had both, then they would cancel each other out, and that just makes no sense.

When I was young, I was happy. The world was new and it opened up so many fresh possibilities. I don’t remember this but I’m sure that my first taste of pizza was fantastic. I started making friends and they were equally fantastic. I had a great family. I would play catch with my dad and my mom would read me stories. A basketball court was poured right in my backyard and my brother and my neighbors would play on it every day. I had a pet dog all to myself, and then to my brother and myself, and then to my brother, my sister, and myself.

When I first discovered sex, though, the happiness started to slowly fade away. It opened up a whole new world of pain, suffering, and inadequacy that would last at least until age 18, when I would discover alcohol. Of course, alcohol would ultimately open even more horrible doors that I do not want to get into right now. My entire teenage life consisted of trying to impress girls. Everything I wore, listened to, watched, read, said, drank, typed, and ate were all carefully selected in order to make an impression on these people. I no longer enjoyed activities I used to love. For example, while I used to love to play basketball with my brother, I now had to compete to make a team. The team was just a segue to impress girls. Of course, I didn’t make the team, and thus lost the desire to ever play anywhere. I started eating healthier foods so I wouldn’t look like a fat ass. This, of course, affected my mood as well. I was hungry and sad and still could not impress girls.

Finally, when young adulthood came, I was able to meet girls with the help of modern technology and the wisdom that comes with age. I used, for example, sites like 100hookup to match people for me. Though I was happier that I could meet women, I was not completely happy. I still obsessed myself with trying to win their favor by, for example, showering more than once a month and getting rid of my ridiculous moustache. I think that the only way for me to be truly happy would be if I could stop obsessing over aesthetics, and sit back with my moustache and eat whatever the hell I wanted.

It’s not too early to begin making dating resolutions for 2012… resolutions you’re guaranteed to keep. So let’s begin, shall we?

1)   Stop having dates that are absolutely perfect.
2)   Make more of an effort to sweat the small stuff.
3)   Work less at understanding your date’s differences of opinion.
4)   Savor the art of not listening.
5)   Try harder to hold grudges.
6)   Don’t move out of your comfort zone.
7)   Come with a lot more baggage.
8)   Savor the greener grass of your friends’ relationships.
9)   Look at your significant other’s heart as half empty vs. half full
10)  Always try to have the last word.

There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?  And my last New Year’s wish to you… May you fall off the wagon on numbers one through ten.