Archive for September, 2011

We’re celebrating more than just the beginning of the hookup New Year. A new study confirms that 100hookup is responsible for more hookup marriages than all other dating sites combined. Of course we already knew this was true, but now we have the facts to back it up.

We recently commissioned an independent research company, ResearchNow, to survey nearly 1,000 married hookup internet users. One of the most compelling findings: 100hookup is responsible for 52% of the marriages that started online, while only 17% of those surveyed met on Match.com® and 10% on eHarmony®.

Those who were surveyed were more likely to find a date on 100hookup than on any other online dating site. In fact, 63% of all online dates came from 100hookup. That’s three times more than Match and nine times more than eHarmony.

We couldn’t be happier about 100hookup’s success and contribution to the hookup community, and are thrilled to share the good news!

Additional Highlights

·         5 out of 9 Jews married since 2008 used online dating during their search

·         63% of online dates amongst Jews originated at 100hookup

·         76% of hookup online daters use 100hookup

·         Match.com’s President even used 100hookup

Normally I just provide online dating advice to men, but this blog entry goes out to the men and women out there.

For women who are online dating, life can start to feel extremely overwhelming, very quickly.  Within days of signing up, most women are likely to have dozens and dozens of messages.  For some, dozens is a grotesque understatement.

And for men who are more advanced at online dating and have thoroughly learned the secrets to attraction, receiving tons of emails will become frequent as well.

The problem lies in the fact that it is extremely tough to keep up.  In fact, you will find yourself talking to so many people at times that it almost feels as if you are not talking to anyone.  All the different faces just become one big blur.

My advice?

Pick one day where you are going to send out all your first emails for the week.  I personally prefer Sunday.  Choose 10 to 12 people.  Out of those, if you are following my advice properly, you should receive between 7 and 10 responses.

Out of those seven, narrow it down to three by the end of the week.

We can’t make time for everyone out there.  Our goal with online dating should NOT be to date as many people as possible, ladies, or hook up with every girl you meet, guys.  Our goal should be to be selective.  And by setting up the right online dating profile, putting up the right pictures, and writing the perfect emails, being selective will be an option for us all.

So don’t overwhelm yourself.  Just narrow it down and stop talking to so many people!

I decided to put off writing this post until after Rosh Hashanah services. I, however, did not at all know that my mom and step-dad decided to go to the late services, and it wouldn’t end until 10:30. As fatigue began to set in a good five minutes into the opening prayer, I was holding on to the hope that the new rabbi was not as boring as stereotypes of rabbis tend to be. So far, I couldn’t tell because everything he was saying was in Hebrew. He knows this is a reform congregation, right? At least I hope he does. We don’t understand languages that aren’t English and written to music by Debbie Friedman.

Ten minutes in, and I suddenly realized that I was going to have to write this post after services were over. That was not an option. I was going to get some sleep, and I didn’t care if modern Judaica had to be realigned in order to fulfill this need for me. There was only one solution: write my post on my cell phone in the middle of services. Sounded sin-tastic to me. Wait, sins don’t exist in Judaism, do they? Excellent.

As I reached into my pocket for my phone, I suddenly heard it ringing. This was not good at all. No, hold on. No, it was coming from somebody sitting behind me with the same ring tone. Though I was in the clear, this led to an epiphany. Maybe this was god telling me to not use my cell phone during services. Maybe he (she?) has embodied this new rabbi, and wanted me to listen. Hey, he mentioned Bill Murray in his sermon. This guy gets me. He’s like one of us, and has a killer robe too.

So, I waited, and I’m writing my post here in my room way after services ended. If you are a hookup woman and are attending services at Congregation Emanu El in Houston, TX tomorrow morning, I will be there! Please initiate conversation because I’m not so good at that.

Which is more important – looks or personality? Would you rather spend the rest of your life with someone who is smart as a whip, a great conversationalist and well-read but not particularly gorgeous or someone who is beautiful and has an amazing body but spends most of her time discussing the latest celebrity gossip. So is it brains or beauty?

Obviously we each strive to find our Beshert whom we are attracted to both physically and mentally, but if I had to choose one, I think I’d prefer the former. I’d rather be able to have scintillating conversation for the rest of my life. Not only do looks fade, but they can only get you so far. Do you want to roll over in bed in 50 years and see a wrinkled has-been (or worse, someone overly-nipped-and tucked) and talk about Kim Kardashian or do you want to see someone that you’ve grown to be attracted to and can discuss politics, current events, philosophy and so on?

Of course we strive to find the best of both worlds – someone who enjoys watching trashy television together after unwinding from a long day of work and also enjoys a good-natured debate about next year’s Presidential election.

When I first spotted my husband across the bar I was struck by his stature, his smile and his eyes. But it was the four hours of conversation after that which sealed the deal. We couldn’t stop talking – both about things we agreed upon and things which we respectfully agreed to disagree upon. I liked that he was the right-leaning moderate to my left-leaning moderate views. I liked that he was educated, worldly, sociable, and of course could make me laugh. He wasn’t just a pretty face.

When you’re out there dating you need to keep in mind that pretty isn’t the most important thing. You may initially be drawn to the most attractive person online or at the bar, but try to gauge what else they have to offer, otherwise it will seem like you’re having a date with a pretty painting, and you’ll soon be bored out of your mind. Needless to say, something about the person needs to make you want to get to know more about them, right? You can’t “see” substance, which is why you have to give everyone a chance and get to know them before discounting them.

Attraction can grow and it can diminish so make sure you’re contributing to a stable, steady growth in your relationships, and not responsible for it taking a nosedive. If you notice your date’s eyes roving or just a stream of “uh-hum’s” coming from their end of the conversation or if you keep going on first dates that never turn into seconds, try to see what you can change about yourself to stimulate your situation. Obviously you’re not going to know if you’re boring, but try to be aware of your date’s perspective of you. It doesn’t matter what you look like, but it does matter what comes out of your mouth. Read up on the news; make sure you’re up to date on the latest in your hobbies and interests; learn weird and interesting tidbits that you can share to create conversation. Do what you can to up your attractiveness quotient through other channels outside of your appearance.

Dear Tamar,

I’m 40, single, and am successful in everything but love. So I’ve been lying about my age because I feel like I’m not getting any attention due to my age. I’m only viewed by men over 50! So I say I’m 36 and have met more guys I like but then I don’t know when or how to come clean. Help!

Dear Liar,

Why start off a relationship with a lie? I know you’re only trying to widen your possibilities and I also understand how frustrating it is that men are practicing ageism online. I don’t condone lying, but if you’re intent on doing so and have already met some men you like then I suggest you ‘fess up soon.

Admit your real age as soon as you meet the guy in person. Once you and your date exchange formalities you need to stop the conversation and say “Listen, I need to tell you something now. I hated having to lie, but I fidged on my age – I’m actually 40, but I never would have met you if I hadn’t said I was 36. I hope you don’t care and still want to get to know me, but if you have a problem with it I totally understand.” I believe most men won’t have a problem with it.

That said, it also depends on the age of the men you’re aiming to date. If you’re altering your age to date guys in their early 30’s, your confession may not be so readily accepted. But if you’re lying to date another 40 year old or even a 36 year old, then there shouldn’t be a problem… and if there is, then they’re ageist and not your Beshert anyway.

I recently found that I am the most miserable from 8-11 am on weekdays. Though many moments throughout the days of the week are accompanied by pain, depression, and hunger, none pack the punch of 8-11. Take 6 am. No, take it! Though I say that in jest, 6 am is one of the most miserable moments of the day. I actually usually wake up at 5:59 am, so that God gives me a moment where I think I have more time to sleep, and then slaps me in the face with His omnipresence in alarm form 15 seconds later. Is it not enough that I’m single? Is it not enough that I don’t allow myself to eat anything but turkey sandwiches?

Also, 6:10 am is equally horrible. That is the moment that I run out of breakfast to eat and have to face the harsh reality of five-and-a-half hours of hunger. However, the worst part of my day always starts at 8 am. 8 am marks the start of a three hour period where my pre-k to kindergarten class has the freedom to do whatever they want. Most of their work is done on the floor. The floor of a giant classroom where I must continuously sit down and get back up. This gets worse as the week progresses because I gradually lose energy due to my diet, until the point where I stand up and briefly see nothing but stars until I wake up again to the harsh reality of where I am. The first hour is bad. The second hour is worse. The third hour would be the end of me if it wasn’t directly before lunch.

However, this chunk of day is a huge weight that lifts once it’s over. At 11 am, I literally feel reborn every day of the week. I rebirth myself five days a week. After my rebirth, I look for sustenance as the three hours have drained everything inside of me. Everything after that moment is great. I am so happy the rest of the day, I don’t even remember the fact that I have to live it all over again the next day. I feel like I do after seeing a movie. You know when you think you can do anything? You have that sudden urge to call every girl you have a crush on and tell them? Do you want that moment to last for the better part of an evening? Next thing I know, I am all comfy in my bed, and look at the clock, and it’s 5:59 am.

Those that are familiar with my work are well aware that I frequently write on the subject of “looks” in regards to online dating.  I frequently am found making the argument that how good looking we are really doesn’t matter when it comes to building attraction with women online.

The other day I received a letter asking for online dating help.  In this letter I was asked the question, “Do looks really not matter?”

This question is not black and white.

Looks do matter.  However, how good looking we are doesn’t matter.

What this means is, women care what we look like, but this does not mean we have to be extremely good looking.  Women care more about our overall appearance, not how aesthetically pleasing our natural looks are.

The truth is, any man can become attractive to a woman with a simple makeover.  The right haircut, the right style, and carrying yourself the right way will boost your looks dramatically.

However, this makes us attractive to women for the opposite reasons than you might expect.  Improving yourself in these ways sends signals that we know how to take care of ourselves, can be taken around her friends, and are socially acceptable.

These qualities are qualities that do build attraction in the female mind and consequently, make them think you are better looking.

Learning the female mind is the key to being successful with online dating.  Lucky for us, there are 10 different ways to attract a woman, all providing evidence that the looks we are born with are not that important.  This makes our lives much easier!

Dear Tamar,

Per your advice, I’ve been poly-dating for quite some time (although I didn’t have a name for it before, lol, so thanks for that) but I’m in a jam – I really like two of the guys I’m dating and I can’t decide which to break it off with. Not to say it’s totally up to me, but I’m pretty sure they both feel strongly towards me and I need to make a move now before it becomes more difficult. Have you ever been in this predicament?

Dear Poly-Dater,

Lucky for you (and unfortunately for me), I was in your situation before. I had met two guys when I was in the midst of a poly-dating phase of my life and was stuck. Surely these guys knew I was holding back as I was still only seeing them each twice a week, and although I was naturally flirtatious, I hadn’t let the physical chemistry get the best of me.

Both were great guys, but there was something about one of them which I couldn’t put my finger on and couldn’t ignore. I ultimately “chose” him and broke things off with the other guy. Things became really serious once I let my guard down and truly became available. Of course, after a few months the relationship ended, but for that time I had made the right choice.

It’s a gut feeling. Neither ended up being right for me, but of the two at that time one was more right than the other. You have to trust your instinct. The best way to do so, if you’re confused, is to try and imagine yourself with each of the men down the road – can you picture having a conversation with each guy in a month, a year, ten years? Can you imagine yourself living with each guy, marrying each guy, parenting with each guy? That may sound extreme, but if you can’t envision yourself making a home with a man, then why bother?

That said, keep this process and your poly-dating past to yourself. The guys don’t want to hear that there are other men in your life even if they’re dating other women. And they for sure don’t want to know that you can’t choose between them and another man.

Across the board, almost without fail, people tend to forget about their friends when they start a new relationship. It’s a nasty habit, and singles ought to make a pledge not to forget about the people who were there for them (and will be there for them if and when this current relationship ends). It’s always the same tune, different song: when you’re single and looking you surround yourself with your single friends for going out and your coupled-up friends for hanging out. Then once you start dating someone and it gets serious you instantly drop all your friends and become completely immersed in the new relationship. Your single friends are put by the wayside, and only once your relationship reaches the level of double-dating do you commence communicating with your coupled-up friends. Your single friends only resurface after you either have “The Talk” or break-up. That is, if they stick around long enough. I think it’s natural to want to hang out with other couples when you become one of them, but it’s sad when you lose sight of your devoted friends during a new phase in your life.

I understand why it happens: when you’re on the inside of something new, you want to spend all of your free time together, and when you can’t be together, you’re on the phone or texting or emailing because it’s new and exciting and you’re getting to know each other better and falling in love. And even if you do pay some attention to your friends, your mind wanders back to your new relationship, and you don’t focus well on listening to what they have to say. Or all you do is talk about your new relationship until your friends lose their minds.

When we’re the single friends being left out to dry we hate it, yet we do the same thing when it’s our turn. So let’s all make a promise not to forget about our friends (or bore them to death with every last detail of our new relationship) when we become somebody’s boyfriend of girlfriend. You will need and want your friends one day – whether this relationship makes it or not – so show them how much you appreciate them by not ditching them the minute you find love.

As my self-imposed Subway® diet completed its third month of being a thing, I decided to spend my birthday dinner at a hot dog place that serves no sandwich in sub form. I figured since I’ve lost about sixty pounds, I could afford to gain 20-40 lbs over the course of one night.

The operation was successful. I started dinner with a coke that wasn’t at all diet. I drank an entire can before my meal even came. Unbelievable. When the meal came, it was even bigger and hot-doggier than I had ever imagined. On top of that, literally, was chili, Fritos®, and onions. You may, as I did, initially think that the chili would cause the dog to be impossible to eat without silverware. You would be completely wrong. It was perfect. The bun was large enough to handle a dog overflowing with flavor and ingredients.

In attendance, aside from myself, were my parents, grandparents, and a couple of close friends. Two of the three friends there were female. Both of them are extremely attractive, which made my entire family wistful. Maybe it’s wishful. I think it’s wishful. Either way, they were both of those things. I know my parents were wondering why I wasn’t dating either of them, and it made me think of how horribly awkward it would be if I asked either of them out. This is especially true for the one who’s in a relationship. But really, I can’t ask either of them out because not only would they say, “no,” but also they’re my only friends in Houston, and I need them.

Subway starts again tomorrow.