Archive for June, 2011

Generally speaking I think that after you go out with someone on three dates it is fair to say that you are dating them. This doesn’t mean you are exclusive because certainly it is within your rights to be dating multiple people at the same time, but regardless I think that three dates = dating. Unfortunately after my “three dates = dating” rule I really have no other rules for how to categorize the steps the steps within a relationship, which is why one of the elements of dating that I struggle with is getting a good how the other person views me and our relationship.

It is difficult before you have a discussion about where you each stand in the other’s eyes to know exactly what the expectations of a given romantic situation are. Certainly this is a subject that needs to be handled with care so that no one’s feelings get trampled in the process, but what happens when one of the people involved is resistant to the discussion? Does their opposition to talking about the status of the relationship mean something in itself?

Within weeks of when I first began experimenting with online dating about a year ago I met someone and we dated for several months before deciding to break it off. We got along really well, and had tons of fun together; however whenever I would bring up the status of our relationship she never seemed to want to talk about it. After some probing she admitted that she simply wanted to keep going with the flow, and not define what we had with labels, but I always had difficulty accepting this explanation.

Certainly I don’t blame her for the way she felt, and to an extent I understand where she was coming from; however I believe that after a certain period of time you come to the point where you want to hear from the other person exactly where you stand and where they think the relationship is heading. Unfortunately we weren’t on the same page in this regard, which is perhaps one of the main elements which lead to our demise, but that’s just sometimes how things turn out in relationships. In the end, even though we broke up, I did learn something from this situation which was that I am someone who feels much better being in a relationship when I know exactly where I stand.

I now know the total number of nights I can force myself to sleep despite hunger.  That number is nine.  Of course, there are people in the world who starve involuntarily, and I can’t imagine how painful that is.  However, on a scale of one to hamburger, my pain has been a steady eight.  It’s not so much that it impairs my ability to move or breathe, but it is enough to make me constantly open the refrigerator and just stare blankly at the empty shelves for minutes at a time.  Another trend I’ve noticed recently are my dreams.  Though usually occupied by school, work, and girls, they now belong completely to food.  Instead of showing up for school with no clothes, I now show up to McDonald’s® with no money.

I have hit a plateau the last few days.  This morning, I woke up starving, but Subway® was not yet open, so naturally I went to the convenience store and bought a Golden Grahams® cereal bar and a Yoo-Hoo® drink.  This meal has a different nutritional value than a dry turkey sandwich on wheat bread.  Also, since I had already broke protocol, I also had Reese’s Pieces® and an Icee® at the movies.  This is all completely contrary to the dietary restrictions I set upon myself ten days ago.  As a result, I am forcing myself to not eat for the rest of the day.  I am a little worried that my escalating hunger may interfere with my writingsdfz.

I think I have to go lay down soon as it is getting more difficult to think of ideas and then write them down.  If you live in the Houston area, and aren’t busy sometime, I would love to take you to Subway®.  The staff knows me by now, though I am pretty sure that one lady is obsessed with my sister.  Wow, there was no reason for me to say that just now.  Just something I thought I’d say.  However, I would love to treat you to a meal so long as that meal consists of a 6-inch sub, no chips, and a tap water.  I do not have much money left as a result of my expensive diet.  I guess I’m an old-fashioned type of romantic.

Dear Tamar,

Why don’t people post answers to the questions, why don’t they post pictures, and why don’t they have a screen name instead of the serial number 100hookup gives them?

Dear Half-Hearted Profiles?

Respectively, I don’t know, I don’t know, and well, I don’t know. These are good questions and simply put, if someone didn’t take the time to complete their profile then you don’t need to take the time to look at their profile. It’s their loss and it’s a shame. I don’t understand why someone would sign up and then not finish filling out the questionnaire or post some photos. If you like the part of the profile you do see then it can’t hurt to send a message letting them know that you’d like to learn more, but don’t take it personally if you don’t hear back. Check out these links to see what I previously had to say about these topics: What’s in a Name? Everything. and Under Interrogation. Lastly, don’t let your frustration with people’s half-hearted profiles linger because then you’re letting their dating issues effect your dates.

I lay in bed at 3 am.  I first lay on my back, then switch to my side, and then back.  I check my cell phone for texts or emails.  I turn on the television and watch an hour of Lockup on MSNBC.  My stomach feels empty and sore and there is nothing I can do about it.  I take two Tylenol® PMs as well as more than one full dose of Vicks® NyQuil®. The NyQuil® tastes far more delicious than it has any right to be.  All I can think of is food.  I get out of bed and walk to the kitchen, where all I find are empty Diet Coke® cans and ice cream from 1984.  “I was alive in 1984,” I tell myself.  “It wasn’t that long ago.”  One bite of the 27-year-old ice cream proves to me that time hasn’t been good to everybody.  Also, ice cream shouldn’t be green or smell like my diaper did in its inaugural year.

I toss and turn for another few hours until I finally find myself waking up the next morning.  The diet is taking its toll.  I am always hungry.  I almost can’t stand the sight, smell, or taste of turkey sandwiches.  Recently, (today) I decided to change up my sandwich and got chicken breast instead.  Though it has slightly more calories and fat, it is a sacrifice that I had to make to insure my sanity.  Aside from the physical pain of dieting, I also have to experience of humility as I unwrap my Subway® sub at whatever restaurant where my family/friends are eating.

So far, I have lost 35 pounds.  July 15 could not get here fast enough.  In case you did not know, I am holding open auditions for a date on that very evening.  So far, about 40 men have signed up, as well as three women.  I am flattered at this result.  Though I am not gay, never have so many people, ( in this case men), willingly signed up for a lovely evening with myself.  Of the three women, two are probably kidding, and the third may or may not. All of this data means that you have an overwhelmingly possible shot of me buying food for you.  Until then, I will continue drowning myself in dry sandwiches and Baked! Lay’s®.

It’s so wrong, yet feels so right…

I see a bad girl, who is clearly wrong for me, yet I cannot look away or rid myself of the intrigue.  And I know I am far from the only one.  In fact, most men are attracted to bad girls.

Why exactly do men enjoy dating bad girls so much?  Are we really that weak?

While there are many reasons, dating a bad girl has to do with the promise of fun and sexuality.  When we see a bad gir,l such as Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie, we see a wild side; a side that knows how to have fun, be exciting, and will be anything but uptight. 

We see a break from the ordinary day to day life, and a new adventure waiting for us.  In addition, we see the promise of sexuality.  We have all these instant fantasies of how great things will be once we…

Well…

Times up!  More next time when I disect bad girls further in the next entry

I always thought there was supposed to be a point in a relationship when you both just “know” that it’s time to take the next step and be exclusively dating. Perhaps it’s when things, such as talking on the phone, going out or sleeping over become natural and assumed, instead of meticulously planned out, but I’m sure the signs are slightly different for everyone.

However, what do you do when you’ve seemingly reached that point with someone but are unsure if they’ve reached thesame level of comfort and commitment with you? Do you talk to them about it and risk freaking them out with the thought that you are trying to make things more serious than they are ready for? Or do you hold off for a little while in hopes that the other person catches up to you so you are both comfortably on the same page? Well, these are all good questions; but in my present situation I am unfortunately lacking good answers to any of them.

Honestly, I wish I was the one on the other side of this situation, but sometimes in life we just have to deal with the fact that the ball is going to remain forcibly stuck in our court pending us making a firm decision. In my case I’m not entirely sure what that decision will end up being; I do know that I need to make one soon because I know deep down that constantly thinking about the unknowns related to my current situation is going to be far worse than the results of the conversation where I finally decide to bring things up.

Dear Tamar,

I am an older, single male with no children. I realize most of the women my age have children in high school, college or beyond and I recognize the importance of those relationships. However, I do not understand why these women are posting [multiple] pictures with their children, other family members and their pets. This is a dating service for adults. It is not a service for child adoption. Or pet adoption. I think the logical progression is for the adults to meet, and if there is chemistry, to form a relationship with each other. If we get past this step, then we can see if / how the partner and the children, family and pets are compatible. I am here to, initially, meet a woman – not her children, parents, girlfriends or pets. I can understand one picture with, say, a single person’s pet, but what I am seeing in terms of children, parents and friends in multiple photos does not make sense to me. Again, the written information states whether an individual has children and whether they live with the person. One would expect to meet them, later, if a relationship developed.

Dear Photo Flop,

I agree with you 100% and in Picture Perfect and More Picture Perfect I discussed how to post appropriate photos. After posting a few of yourself — face, full body, in action — only then is it okay to post ONE of you with your pet or another person both of which you must quickly refer to in your About Me paragraph.

I don’t think parents or kids should be a part of your photos because this is about you right now and not your family. Let your prospective dates get to see you without any distractions. That said, posting photos of loved ones is not a make or break. If the woman has everything you’re looking for and you’re attracted to her, then don’t let her photos stand in the way. People are proud of their kids, their parent’s lasting marriage, their adorable dog, etc and they think it’s compelling (even when it’s not). At the end of the day, are you going to reject your Beshert because she put a photo of her and her chihuahuas in her profile?

My friend Lauren told me she recently froze her 100hookup account. She said she could be going on a date every night of the week with a different guy but none of them ever pan out and she’s exhausted from having the same first date conversation over and over and over again. She’s sick of giving opportunities to guys she knows aren’t right for her and never hearing from guys she thinks she hit it off with. Why is she having such a tough time getting closer to meeting her Beshert?

Lauren is active in the hookup community – in fact she works for a hookup organization so she has the scoop on every guy available – and she attends single events regularly. She’s doing everything right. I checked her 100hookup profile and her pictures are great, her descriptions are witty and her expectations are reasonable. She is always dressed well, make-up and hair done, smile on her face. She’s got a great personality: incredibly smart and funny, with the right amount of self-deprecation and sarcasm. She has a lot of great hobbies, is well-read and is able to speak on a number of topics to make for an interesting conversation partner. So why is she having such a tough time getting closer to meeting her Beshert?

Lauren doesn’t have any unsightly physical imperfections, she doesn’t have an ungainly demeanor, and she doesn’t have a hidden temper. Lauren comes from a wonderful, cohesive family and she has plenty of friends who adore her.  She volunteers and raises money for great causes. She’s an all-around great girl and I’m proud to call her one of my friends. So again, why is she having such a tough time getting closer to meeting her Beshert?

Lauren is far from alone, many single guys and gals also wonder why they’re still single when they have so much to offer. Sometimes they’re just blind to how they’re truly coming across on dates, but for the most part it’s simply timing. I told Lauren to take her break and then to jump right back into the dating world because her chances of meeting her Beshert are even slimmer by not being on 100hookup. I told her to keep going on 100hookups no matter how redundant they seem. Eventually it will happen for her. One date, one night, will seal her fate. It only takes one time for a date with seemingly repetitive questions and textbook answers to turn into your conversation partner for the rest of your life.

I know it’s easy for me to say this since I’m married now and not single anymore, but I tried to reassure Lauren by telling her that each day that goes by is one day closer to the day she meets her Beshert. It’s so cliché, but in dating patience and persistence are the keys to success. Blah, blah, blah, right? But what is Lauren going to do, give up and stay single the rest of her life when all she really wants to do is get married to her Beshert and start a family? No, she’s not. Some women are confident with being alone and independent for the rest of their lives, but Lauren doesn’t want to be one of those women.

For now, Lauren is dating in a healthy way by taking a break and keeping her sanity. I know she isn’t going to give up on love and I think she’ll be back online before she knows it. And soon enough I’ll be dancing the Hora at her wedding because I have a feeling she’s going to meet her Beshert in the near future.

Today I would like to expose one of the most popular online dating myths that just is not true.

“Women involved with online dating only care about looks.”

Many men become convinced that this is the case when they go a long period of time online with receiving responses to emails or Instant Messages.  It is natural to assume that these women are either shallow or just plain cruel.

Thankfully, this is often far from the truth of the matter.  When it comes down to it, the better looking women on this site are usually very nice, and aren’t very mean at all.

They are just receiving way to many messages on a daily basis. 

In real life beautiful girls are not nearly as scary as one might think, and looks are far from the only way we can attract them.  However, if we do not learn how to attract women via means other than looks, then our pictures will be the only thing they look at.

For this reason it is critical to learn the art of creating the perfect online dating profile, and learning to create messages that create extreme interest when attempted to meet women online.

So the next time a female does not answer you, don’t assume it is because she only cares about looks.  First ask yourself if you are doing everything you need to do to spark attraction, and then work from there!

I think that most people who know me would say that my lifestyle, mostly because of my job, is pretty unpredictable. Many of my friends from both college and high school have lives that look much different than mine, and on the surface appear to have things much more together than I do. Since graduating from college I have worked for four different schools in  five years (all as a college basketball coach), and have lived in New Mexico (two years), New Hampshire (one year) and Florida (one year) before taking a job in Chicago last August. Most people I know, while they may not still be at the same “place” they were right after college, are at least in the same city and appear to be on a stable and progressive career path. I, on the other hand, work in an extremely fluid profession with a turnover that appears to be accelerating with each passing season, meaning there are no guarantees year to year that I will be in the same city or even have a job, period.

I believe that there is a general list of assumed characteristics that people are looking for when assessing who they are potentially interested in dating, which includes honesty, intelligence and passion (amongst others), and while I believe that I possess those and other desirable traits there is one important one on most people’s list that there’s no guarantee I will ever be able to fulfill; stability. I believe that as the number of years since we’ve graduated from college grows most people begin to put more of a premium on finding someone stable with whom they can rely on and begin a life with. However while I believe that I am a very loyal and dependable person my job ultimately comes first, which means that in many situations it seems as though I am not making my personal relationships the type of priority they should be.

Certainly I can’t argue this point, and perhaps the right person for me is someone who feels similarly passionate about their job; however, I can’t get past the idea that the choices I make concerning my job on a daily basis, and career from a long-term perspective, puts such parameters on my personal life and ability to maintain and grow relationships. Ultimately this is one of the sacrifices that I’ve decided to make in pursuit of my career aspirations, and I have never had second thoughts that this was the right decision for me. However, this doesn’t mean it always feels good or that it doesn’t bother me that the instability and uncertainty in my professional life makes it difficult for people to rely on and get close to me. In the end life comes down to a series of choices, and so much of the choices we make are affected most by their timing, so really all we can do it let things play out, do what we think is best for ourselves at the time and hope everything works out in the end.