Archive for May, 2011

I think that a really good way to meet people is through friends. Certainly this is a very common practice in college due to the close proximity in which people live, and the exceedingly social nature of their surroundings. But I think that once we enter the “real world” this dynamic can become slightly more complicated. If you have read any of my previous blogs you are probably aware that I have a tendency to over-analyze dating situations more than the average person; I don’t necessarily believe that this is always a bad thing, and I would much rather be safe than put a friendship in jeopardy.

Last Saturday night I attended a birthday party for one of my best friends, and during the course of the evening I made it my mission to mingle and get to know some of her friends whom I hadn’t met or spent much time with before. Over the course of the evening I chatted with, and had nice conversations with, most people at the party, and as the night wore on I found myself actively looking to make sure there was no one left I hadn’t at least introduced myself to.

After the crowd had mostly thinned out I decided to approach my friend whose birthday it was to make sure that she was having a good time and, after stating that she was, said she wanted to introduce me to a friend of hers whom she didn’t think I had met. After my friend gave us a brief introduction she quickly left us to talk and, from the moment our conversation began, it was obvious we had a connection. After talking for about half an hour I realized that it was getting late and that I should probably start to wrap things up and ask for her number, but unfortunately I began (in typical fashion) to over-analyze the situation.

My main apprehension in asking for her number was that since we had a very close mutual friend I thought that I should check with her first, out of respect, before asking another one of her close friends out. Even though my decision to handle things this way made the end of our conversation a little awkward, since it was obvious that she was confused why I wasn’t asking for her number, I was resolved to handle things in this manner and take the safe approach.

The next day I talked to my friend and explained the situation, and my thinking, to her. In turn she was appreciative of how I handled the situation, and even though she said it would have been completely fine had I asked for her friend’s number, she thanked me for respecting her position in the situation. Ultimately, everything worked out for the best since my friend was happy with how I handled things, and she was excited to give me her friend’s number. But, you just never know. In the end I know that I made the situation more complicated than it needed to be. But when it comes to matters involving close friends I don’t think you can ever be too careful.

Dear Tamar,

Not sure if my profile is good enough? Really don’t know what to write. I am not getting any mails and if I do it’s from old men or very young guys like in their 20’s. I just changed my picture and will be adding more later today. What should I wear in these pictures? Please help me to write a new profile as well so that I will hopefully attract quality men ages 40-52.

Dear Prolific Profile,

I would start with writing that you’re interested in men between the ages of 40-52 both in your profile and in your “what are you looking for?” section. I know you’ve selected those years as your age range in the preferences section, but it won’t hurt to drive home the point as long as you don’t write in an obnoxious way. In your “About Me” paragraph write that you’re looking for a guy between 40 and 52. Then in the “I’m Looking For A” write “Did I mention that I’m looking for a guy between 40 and 52?” Make it cute but make your point.

As for your photos, you want to look young and fresh even though you say you don’t want to attract the 20-year-olds. Your first photo should be a close-up so get a facial if necessary and apply your make-up so that it looks natural and accentuates your best features. The next picture should be from the waist up in a shirt that shows some skin but not too much…in this case less is more. Your third picture should be a full body shot with form-fitting clothing to show your shape. Don’t hide your body… there’s plenty of men who like every type of shape. The key is to make sure your pictures look like you, but your best you!

Up until now, it is never fun to realize that your date has gone bad.  Maybe your date poured salt into your drink (that isn’t a margarita),  Maybe she isn’t a dog person.  Maybe she is a racist.  This doesn’t have to be a death sentence for a date.  This can be the catalyst for having your own Bad Date Gymnastics.

Once you realize that you have no real connection with your date, why not perform social experiments for science! For example, if your date is, in fact, racist, do an experiment and study your date like she is a laboratory sample. Lie and tell her that you are also a racist.  In order to do this, you will have to pretend to hate a people based on their skin color.  Ask her how much she hates Haitians and why.  She may say that the people of Haiti are poor and are prone to violence.  Do not tell her that they are probably prone to violence because it is their only way to survive.  Rationality only angers racists.  Go country by country.  This will provide a plethora of insight into racist people.

Your date, however, is probably not racist.  If she is, she will probably hide her racism so as to not disgust you. This is the basic MO for any racist.  Maybe the two of you don’t connect because she yells too much.  Instead of cowering in your seat and pretending that you don’t know her, join her in the crazy.  Start yelling as well.  Yell at everyone; the waiter, the bartender, the police officer that pulled you over.  “I’m sorry, officer, is there a problem!”  “I completely agree with my driving and will abide by the rules of the ticket!”  “I am looking forward to taking a course in defensive driving!”  That can only end well.

Maybe, though, your date just doesn’t like you.  She may give you clues by saying something like, “I don’t think we’re connecting” or “I strongly dislike you.”  There is nothing really to lose at this point.  Tell her that you dislike her as well.  Now is a good time to act impulsively obnoxious.  Ask if she can pay for dinner.  Tell her how the movie ends.  Take her to your mother’s house to watch TV.  The date will not end well, but it wouldn’t have ended well anyway.

Is it just me or is there just something about that warm whether that rejuvenates every positive aspect of your life?

As the sun begins to shine again, and the rays hit my body, I feel a new life being thrown into me.  Every year I encounter this same fantastic rejuvenation of mind and spirit.

Suddenly work doesn’t seem so bad anymore.  The hours don’t seem so long.  And I really don’t mind all that much doing little errands, cleaning my house, or writing blogs as I sit typing outside for the first time in months!

And what better time to take advantage of these great feelings than by riding the emotional highs through our dating life.  If there is ever a better time to date, where people are in better moods, and opportunity is fully available, spring and summer is the time.

Take advantage of this time of year.  Odds are your date will be in a great state of mind for an online pick up!

Sometimes, after we meet someone and go out a few times, we try to convince ourselves that the relationship has potential instead of just letting it evolve naturally. Often times this occurs when it’s been a while since we’ve met someone with whom we felt a genuine connection and, therefore, because the other person is close to what we are looking for, we try to force a relationship with them. We play up their good points in our head, and choose to conveniently overlook the aspects of their personality or lifestyle that we don’t enjoy, in a desperate attempt to make the relationship work.

Often times when I find myself trying to fit a round relationship into a square hole, afterward it is very obvious to me what I was trying to do. Usually it’s been a while since I’ve been with someone I genuinely cared about, and even though I know that the person I’m seeing isn’t right for me, I want to be in a relationship so badly that I am able to persuade myself that they are “close enough.” This approach may work initially and be able to carry you through a few dates but you can’t fool yourself forever.

Recently I was guilty of this selfish crime and went out on several dates with a woman whom, deep down, I knew wasn’t right for me. We had fun when we went out, and I liked many things about her, but I just never left any of our dates with that warm, tingly, I can’t wait to see you again feeling. Sure enough, because I knew that it was going to happen eventually, our last date fell flat which was when I realized that I needed to stop thinking about myself and how I wanted to be dating someone, and consider how it wasn’t right to potentially lead her on.

While I know that going out with her a bunch of times wasn’t completely kosher I do think that I ended things before any harm was done and on good terms. She seemed to understand my reasons and even indicated that perhaps she was a little guilty of viewing me, and our relationship, in the same way that I used her. In the end I wouldn’t recommend this approach to anyone, and am not entirely proud that I choose to employ it recently. However, dating isn’t always easy and sometimes, as long as there’s no intent to hurt anyone, it’s okay to put your needs first.

Sometimes after we meet someone and go out a few times we try to convince ourselves that the relationship has potential instead of letting it come completely naturally. Maybe it’s been a while since we’ve met someone with whom we felt a genuine connection, or perhaps it’s that the other person has many of the traits that we are attracted to, but in any case it just isn’t right. We play up their good points in our head, and choose to conveniently overlook the aspects of their personality or lifestyle that we don’t enjoy, in a desperate attempt to make the relationship work.

Dear Tamar,

I’m shocked about why people don’t get you back to you when you e-mail them. WHY… don’t they complete their profiles if they are here to be serious? You’re here for a reason, so WHY not reply, be polite or at least fill in your profiles?

Dear Why oh WHY?,

I can sense your frustration in your CAPS LOCK, LOL. I’ll say this — if a person isn’t filling out their profile or replying to your email then its not someone you want to date so they’ve made it easy for you. It does suck and I don’t get it either. You’re right, why are these people on 100hookup if they’re not putting forth the full effort to meet their Beshert? I always recommend that people fill out their profiles fully and at least reply with a polite rejection. Try to keep your sanity by remembering that these people are not your Beshert and move on to the next prospect.

100hookup has unveiled the beta version of the new profile makeover and it’s going to make your time on 100hookup easier than ever! Your excuse that you don’t have time is no longer plausible because 100hookup is doing the dirty work for you! Not only can you see all the photos nice ‘n big without having to go to the next page but 100hookup tells you right away what you have in common and lists what items are most important up front. That means no more searching for height, parental status, smoker or not or job and education — those non-negotiables are front and center so you can see if you’re a match right away.

The added scroll of photos at the t0p means it’s more important than ever to have your main photo be an eye catcher. That means it needs to be a close-up so people can see your face in a tiny thumbnail, it shouldn’t be a profile view or have anyone (or anything) in the pic with you. We want to see your face! No sunglasses, no hats, no dark photos without flash. You need to stand out in a sea of people. You have so many more options to post photos, save the underexposed one with your dog standing by the tall tree for option #4.

The other day I received an email from someone asking me for some online dating advice on a profile.   Unfortunately I was not able to help fix it due to contractual obligations with partners of mine.

However, when I offered some of the services that my company provides, the person was quick to insist that the help was not really necessary and that she just needed to take a break.  She went on to claim that she has a great profile and has spent tons of time perfecting this aspect of her dating life.

Before going any further, it wasn’t a money thing.  When we got into deep conversation, all the self defense mechanisms came out through her writing and she clearly wanted to believe she needed no help.

Without sounding too mean and judgmental, the messages that were written, although extremely courteous and nice,  were full of things that would completely turn almost any guy off.  In addition, she asked for help with her profile theninsisted it was actually really good because she had worked so hard on it. She then went on to change her mind saying she just needed a break because she has spent years online dating.

This is what I call a classic case of denial.  This girl was nice, and had plenty of potential to find an amazing guy.  But she clearly needed help, then wrote off the need for this help when it came crunch time to accepting that help.

We all need a little help sometimes. We are too blind to our own faults.  It is only human nature to protect our own self esteem.   Heck, I was online dating for years before I figured things out.  My advice to anyone struggling out there is to never live in denial.  Get the help you need rather than wasting month after month with no success and tons of frustration.

My hope to this day is that this woman does eventually get the help she was originally looking for, because she was truly a sweet girl.

I think that it is completely rational at times for people to be afraid that they will never find the right person for them. While that particular fear isn’t high on my personal list of neuroses I can’t fault anyone who has it at the top of their own. We all want to meet someone, fall in love and live happily ever after. But when it’ll be our time is completely unknown to us.

Since I am someone who generally believes that things we want to happen in our lives largely occur when we are least expecting them to, I am able to maintain a positive outlook on my current single lifestyle even though, at times, it definitely frustrates me. With each mediocre first date or failed relationship it is human nature to question when everything is going to work out for us. But, simply because we want/deserve/think that everything should come together for us doesn’t mean it will.

As someone who recently turned 27 years old and, incidentally, also came to the subsequent realization that I couldn’t date 23 year olds anymore, I have been feeling the pool of available women beginning to shrink. Furthermore, even though there are a million different reasons why someone is single, at 27 I am beginning to wonder if there is something I’m doing, or about my personality, that is holding me back.

In spite of the fact that I don’t believe that there is anything “wrong” with me, or how I generally approach dating and relationships, when you’ve been single for long enough, crazy thoughts and self-doubt begin to creep into your mind. Even though I do believe that I will eventually meet the right woman for me, every time I am forced to go back to the drawing board after a date or relationship doesn’t work out it gets a little harder to convince myself to keep my faith.

It isn’t easy being a JBlogger.  On average, JBloggers should go out on about two dates per week in order to assess enough material to write two posts per week.  This comes out to 104 dates a year, which would technically make me a prostitute.  Except it would be worse than a prostitute.  It would make me a prostitute who doesn’t get paid.  I don’t even know what that is.  Actually, aside from the fact that I would quickly run out of the money that I never had in the first place, going on two dates per week would be nice.  I would, though, have to figure out how to date on a budget à la Dave Chappelle in Half Baked.  By the second week, I would not be above stealing from blind homeless people.

I haven’t made up dates that never happened in order to have material for the blog.  Instead, I go off topic and talk about politics or my childhood, which are equally inane.  If you would like for me to stop talking about my own childhood, I suggest you volunteer yourself to go out on a date with me.  I will pay for your dinner, and we can split a dessert.  I also promise to contribute one hour of relevant conversation.  After an hour, I usually go off on a tangent which usually ends with me crying.  You must be willing to nurse me while I cry uncontrollably.  I suggest you start watching Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz in order to learn how to quell somebody else’s overflowing emotions.  Really, any program whose title begins with ‘Dr.” would work.

After that, be prepared for me to propose marriage to you.