Archive for May, 2011

Dear Tamar,

Well, the main question is, how can I get a higher response rate to emails I send out?  It seems that so many emails go unread and most of the ones that are read go unanswered.

I know it’s a numbers game, but really it would be nice to hear back.  I think there is too much judging going on out there.  Even after going out a few times, people run.

I really do try to give someone a chance.  We all have issues. We all have quirky things we do.  It would be nice to meet girls who are ready, ready to commit, ready to have a life together.  I am 43, I know that I will have to make compromises and I will have to change a bit to fit in with someone new.

It would be great to hear your take on this. Thanks!

Dear Response Rate,

Remember that people without a paid 100hookup account cannot read their emails, so don’t take every “unread” message to heart. As for the ones that are read, now that’s another story. It’s easy to put the blame on the receiving end, and sometimes they are to blame, but all you can do is try and see how you can better your emails and profile and photos to elicit a higher response rate. Are your pictures showing you in the best light? Is your profile appealing? Are your emails too forward? Try to see how you can switch things up a bit to make sure you’re coming across the way you want to because a lot can be lost in translation online. Aside from that, you seem to have a great attitude, ready to meet someone and realistic about what that means in terms of compromising. Good Luck!

New data is out and it puts the odds in your favor:
-87 million. That’s the number of singles in the United States.**
-40 million. That’s the number of singles that have tried online dating sites.**

**US Census Bureau 2011

Try to wrap your head around that number – forty million. That’s a lot of people! Granted, Jews only make up about two percent of the U.S. population… but still, that’s still a huge number!

It’s my people watching skills that have left me baffled about the numbers game. The guys I saw on 100hookup were not the same guys at the single’s events or volunteering with hookup Family Services. I would randomly meet Jews I had never before seen or met at bars whom had never been to a hookup event! That means those people were not upping their odds because they weren’t as involved as they could be. It was better for me because I was doing it all and was meeting them all, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find that many of those people are still single today because they’re just not doing everything possible. Of course, I met my husband at a random bar after agreeing last minute to go with a friend to a birthday party while I was vacationing in Tel Aviv, so my theory proved itself.

You HAVE to be proactive! I’m a living, walking, breathing example of how increasing your odds does work! I’ve heard all the excuses – you’re tired, you’re busy, you’re frustrated with being single and fed up with seeing the same faces over and over again. The first two are tossaways, but the last excuse gets me every time — remember, it only takes one new face!

“Um, yeah, my eyes are over here.” I can’t remember the amount of times I wanted to (or actually did) tell a guy that. Not because he was looking at my cleavage or my legs (although that has happened, as well), but because he was scanning the crowd behind me. What was he looking for? It could have been another girl or one of his friends, but it didn’t really matter. The point was he wasn’t looking at me and making eye contact. Eye contact lets someone know that you’re interested. Your follow up questions and witty comments mean diddly squat to me if you’re not looking at me when you say it.

I believe that it is expected to a point – for someone to check out the scene – but there’s a way to do it and a time do it and an acceptable length of time to do it for.

If you’re on a 100hookup pre-“The Talk” then you shouldn’t scan the room. If you’re at a singles event and are talking to a potential Beshert, then you absolutely, positively should not let your eyes leave his or her face. Besides the fact that it’s rude, you’re sending a message to your date, your friend or your partner that the who’s who of who’s in the room is more important than they are. Or that you’re bored and uninterested in them. Either way it’s not the way you want to be thought of.

Eye contact, whether it’s with a boss, a coworker, a family member, a friend or a possible Beshert, shows that you’re confident but more importantly it shows that you respect who you are talking to and want to hear what they are saying just as much as you want them to hear what you have to say. Eye contact is probably the most important form of non-verbal communication. Eye contact is the first form of flirting so why would you give it up once you’re having a conversation? Eye contact – or lack thereof – is a social cue, so make sure you know what message you want to send before you start roving. Simply put: maintaining eye contact lets the person know you’re interested, but a wandering eye means exactly the opposite. But it’s preferable to just excuse yourself and walk away rather than be rude by constantly looking over someone’s shoulder.

That said, ladies need to make sure their eyes are made-up with make-up when they’re on a date or at a singles event because if the eyes are the windows to your soul then the curtains should be spectacular! Don’t leave the house without someone eyeliner and mascara and when you’re dressing up thicken the liner and add some shadow. If you have wrinkles and they make you insecure then look into getting some eye cream or injectibles. Being single is tough enough without being uncomfortable in your own skin. You can’t avoid eye contact so make sure your eyes look great!

In much of my online dating advice I often talk about how men must become an object whom women want to chase, essentially displaying alpha male qualities that some might attribute to the stereotypical “bad boy.”

But what about girls?  Are guys attracted to “bad girls” as well?

The truth is that most men are in fact more drawn to bad girls.  This largely has to do with a number of elements that create attraction and interest within the male mind.

1.  Looks.  Men are visual creatures and looks are the number one method that women have towards building attraction with men.  Bad girls often take more time with their appearances and makeup, thus creating more attraction.  In addition, the sexuality with which bad girls dress appeals to women, despite the fact that females will receive hate from the same sex for dressing this way.

2.  Sexual appeal.  When we think of the bad girls of this world we think of sexual appeal.  Both go hand and hand and men like the prospect of someone that will fill their every desire.

3.  Personality.  Bad girls often have over the top and extreme personalities.  This is likely to draw a man looking for a little excitement in life.

When it comes down to it, men love bad girls.  But does this love last?  That is the question!

Sometimes I feel like I’m bad at dating. Some who read the previous statement might think that it is ridiculous for me to feel this way because so much of dating comes down to chance and timing; however, every once in a while that’s just how I feel. Perhaps I am just getting frustrated that I’ve been consistently going out on dates for about a year now and haven’t met someone with whom I’ve become seriously involved with, but ultimately I know that really isn’t necessarily because I am not doing anything wrong or am bad at dating.

I think sometimes, whether it’s dating, work, or picking horses at the track, you get on a roll, your confidence shoots through the roof and, as a result, you feel fantastic about that aspect of your life – but what really makes that happen? With picking horses you can do more research, and at the office you can stay later, but what can you do if you feel like you are in a dating slump?

For one, you can go out on more dates, which is what I’ve tried to do. However, I honestly think that has exacerbated the problem. The more dates you try to go out on the looser your standards become for who you go out with, which potentially opens you up to more issues because you are going out on dates with people you probably aren’t compatible with. There’s an analogy we use in basketball that you can practice free throw shooting all day but if you shoot them the wrong way every time you’ll never get any better, which is, unfortunately, how I feel with dating sometimes.

Ultimately I know that it’s not that I’m bad at dating, but that perhaps I’m replicating the same mistakes on each date. Whether this is true or not, short of videotaping my next date and then breaking down the film afterward to identify what the good and bad elements of my performance were, I guess all I can really do is try to go out on dates with women I truly believe I’m compatible with, be myself during our them and then hope it all works out in the end.

I’m on an airplane right now typing this into my phone.  The phone obviously has no internet as I am writing this into a text message that I won’t be able to send to myself until we land.

I can say with relative certainty that the row that I’m sitting in is the heaviest row on the plane.  I have been in heavy rows before (refer to Houston to Chicago ’03), but there is a 30% chance that this one will cause the plane to fall tail-first from the sky.  There’s a reason that the cliché that commercial airlines somehow always put you in between two obese people exists.  I must now note that it is extremely difficult to type this without the two people seeing what I write.  However, if they do see this, there is not much that they can threaten me with as they have already crushed my ribs and I can no longer feel my arms.  And now the flight attendants are passing out cookies.   At the very least, they are masochists who exist solely through inflicting physical pain onto my precious body.

Yes, I realize that it is hypocritical to complain about overweight people as I am not at my desired body mass index, but this is bordering on brutality.  I honestly do not understand the physics of air flight.  I think that modern aviation will be due for some changes after we crash somewhere in southern New Mexico.  At least we can all be happy that the Rapture didn’t occur last Friday.  Our date with judgment can wait another few days.

What makes your skin crawl?

Lizards, arrogance, hypocrisy, double standards and wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Whatsup100hookup, 26, Single, Man seeking a Woman, New York, NY

Long fingernails that curl beyond a reasonable length.

TriviaGirl, 38, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Decatur, GA

The sight of a gold lame shower curtain.

Louis163, 58, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Oakton, VA

Water bugs, cologne, liars, long fingernails on a man and comb-overs; the usual.

havemoref…, 43, Separated, Woman seeking a Man, New York, NY

Racism, ignorance, rudeness and candy corn.

anicejewi…, 28, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Cranston, RI

Donald Trump’s lack of a hairline.
NorthShor…, 46, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Haleiwa, HI

People who are very, very sick and then handle your food; you KNOW you are going to get sick if you eat it.

Shaloha8FD1, 53, Separated, Woman seeking a Man, Newport Beach, CA

Anyone who says ‘I’m not racist but…’

Clemsilver, 24, Single, Man seeking a Woman, London, United Kingdom

Road-rage and texting while driving. Both are unnecessary and cause needless death and accident. I think it’s worse than DUI. Remember, God asked Moses to talk nice to the […]rock and because he kicked and hissed at the water bearing rock, he wasn’t allowed to live in the Promised Land!

pinkplaid, 43, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Myrtle Beach, SC

Men who want to date women young enough to be their daughter.

dancingqu…, 62, Widowed, Woman seeking a Man, Nesconset, NY

Dear Tamar,

Why am I getting matches with guys who want women younger than I am?

Dear Cougar Alert,

100hookup matches are not always based on age but also on similar interests and location. The hope is that you — and/or your match — will make an exception based on the preferences you have in common and not be turned off by the  differences. Many people select an age range too narrow for realistic expectations of finding their Beshert, so 100hookup’s matches enable you and them to both see possibilities that you wouldn’t otherwise notice.

If you are interested in any of these guys you can write them and let them know that you received their profile as a match and, although you can see that you’re outside of their preferred age range, that you have this, that and the other in common and if he’s interested you look forward to receiving a reply.

I admit it, I watch “The Bachelor.” It’s my guilty pleasure and I love it! I find it interesting to see woman after woman putting it all on the line right away when there are two dozen other women vying for this one man’s attention whom they know nothing about and have spent little to no time with. On the other hand, it’s baffling when women have walls up and then wonder why they’re sent home. If you’re going on a show looking for love then why even bother pretending to have any pride left? Maybe that’s harsh of me, but it just seems like a waste of time. These women have so little time to get to know the Bachelor and yet some of them are not willing to open up at all.

100hookup is the same. The numbers mean you are going to meet a lot of people and start many conversations and tell and retell your life story a million times until you meet your Beshert. Your chances of meeting your Beshert sooner have everything to do with how open you are and willing to share.

Many of us keep to the same script on first dates. We only want to let the person get to know us a certain amount and we want to control that amount because we’ve all been on one of those first dates where we talked for hours and hours only to never see the other person again. Why bother exchanging more than pleasantries until you know if there could be another date? This is the normal, human type of wall that most people, not just singles, seem to have naturally up to protect themselves.

Every now and then I like to throw an occasional health tip into my online dating advice.  Why?  Because our health has a direct affect on our energy levels, self esteem, and overall mood.  A healthy lifestyle will indirectly make us more appealing to our dates.

Today’s health tip is extremely simple.  Drink a gallon of water a day.

Before you write this off as nothing more than an extra ten trips to the bathroom, hear me out.

Drinking a lot of water has a ton of health benefits.  For starters, many studies show that drinking a lot of water can almost double your metabolism.  This means you are burning calories at almost twice the rate.

In addition, drinking this much water gets rid of salt deposits that are stored in your body and result in excess fats.  You are essentially flushing all of the bad stuff out of your body by drinking a lot of water every day.

Finally, drinking a gallon of water a day and staying hydrated will lead to increased energy levels.  Think of all the extra energy you will have to take out your dates and be the man you are deep down inside, instead of appearing to be that tired, sluggish working man that life sometimes wears us down into.

So drink up!  The benefits are outstanding.