Archive for February, 2011

I was on Facebook, catching up with “friends” when all of a sudden something caught my eye on the right side of the screen. It was a familiar picture listed under the “People You May Know” section and the name struck a chord. It was Greg, a guy I had dated pretty seriously in my mid-twenties until he disappeared off the face of the earth. Of course, by now I had gotten over Greg, the person, but what he had done to me had really hurt me and left a dating scar.

Greg and I met on 100hookup and spoke a few times on the phone before he took to me on an incredibly romantic first date. It was lunch at a really upscale restaurant on the water and afterwards we walked along the rocks. We made plans to see each other a few days later and soon enough we were seeing each other about twice a week except when one of us was out of town. When I hesitantly asked him if he would accompany me to a distant family member’s wedding he accepted without hesitation and was the perfect companion. We had a lot of fun together and even though we hadn’t had “the talk” there wasn’t any pressure or any doubt that we were headed in the right direction.

We had been seeing each other for two months when, for the first time, he didn’t call when he said he was going to call. I called him and, for the first time, he didn’t answer. I left a message but it was never returned. I waited a week and called again, no answer, left a message and never heard back. At this point I was beyond wary and wasn’t going to waste time stalking him but if he called me with a really good excuse I wasn’t going to give him grief either. He never did call and I never did see him again.

About a month later I ran into a mutual friend of ours and I asked her what was going on with him. She said she had recently bumped into him and his new fiancé. Speechless is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt at that moment. Chills went through my body, my heart started beating double time and I broke into a cold sweat. I don’t think I was asking too much for him to have simply called me after our last date and told me he had met someone and it was getting serious. That would have burned, yes, but at least it wouldn’t have as core-shattering as this news was.

I just don’t get why he couldn’t simply pick up the phone and break it off with me? Why would that be so difficult? I don’t care how non-confrontational someone is, it’s not like I could have slapped him through the phone (not that I would have) and he wouldn’t even have to look me in the eye. If I had started crying (which I wouldn’t have) all he’d have to do is end the conversation. It’s one thing to not call after a first date because it is, after all, just one date. But to completely disappear after two months of dating is rude and inexcusable.

As I mentioned in the blog entry, I am going to be varying up my entries a bit more and taking a slight break from my discussion of attraction building techniques.  Do not worry because they will be back in the future.

Today I want to get into a new topic I will be writing about on a fairly consistent basis and that is online dating advice that makes me rage.   In these blog entries I will be referring to online dating advice that I see all over the internet, hear on the radio, or watch on television that requires some top notch anger management coping skills.

Today’s Online Dating Advice that Makes me Rage:  Being Realistic

This is something I hate to hear more than anything.  I can’t tell you how many times I have seen so-called professionals tell men that they have to be realistic about what they can achieve through online dating.  These alleged professionals are making these statements with the implication that not all men are good looking enough to get women of high beauty, or that not all men can learn the skills to becoming completely successful with any woman at online dating.

This is all completely false, completely irresponsible advice and only shows a complete lack of understanding when it comes to knowing about the female mind.  Anyone who has read my online dating guide knows that, in order to be truly successful, one must learn the female mind because it gives you access to winning any women over no matter what you look like.

So my advice to all you “professionals” out there:  Learn how to be successful with women before you tell others what they can’t do.

Just like when a baseball game is postponed due to rain I had a first date cancel the other day because the weather was so terrible in Chicago. This week the Windy City is literally in the midst of one the worst winter storms in decades, and the blizzard-like conditions have precipitated the closing of pretty much every school, office and Starbucks in the city and surrounding suburbs.

This being said, I was still very disappointed that my date was cancelled since I was hoping to break out of my recent first date funk and was going out with someone that I was very excited to meet. As someone who believes that there is a narrow opening to have a first date, once you have begun trying to make plans with someone, I saw my window closing with each flake that fell.

So, I decided to be honest with her and admit my fear that our interaction would dissolve before we ever had the chance to go out on a date. My logic was that after seeing so many windows close on prospective first dates that this approach was worth a short. I texted her my lamentation regarding the possibility of us missing our window due to the weather’s lack of cooperation, and to my surprise she was very reassuring that our window was not in danger of closing.

To further complicate the situation, the remainder of the week I will be out of town for work; however, perhaps due to the fact that I was honest about my concern, we have maintained contact and plan on having a date once I return home. In the end, the date might go well, and it might not; however, if we were to have dismissed each other simply because our first attempt at scheduling a date didn’t work out then we would have unnecessarily robbed ourselves of the opportunity to find out what could develop between us.

There’s a scene in the film, The Bourne Identity, where the love interest, Marie, asks the title character what kind of music he likes.  Despite the fact that he is a thirty-million dollar weapon trained by the US government currently dealing with amnesia, we can all connect with him having had that question thrown at us.  Everyone hates hearing that question.  It unearths all of our personal insecurities about our taste in something that can often be very personal.  Also, it is always embarrassing if you like country music or rap.  Everybody always has the same answer: “I like everything.”  Everybody is lying.  Jason Bourne’s answer, however, is genius.  Instead of using a blanket statement based on lies, he says, “I don’t know.”  Marie obviously thinks that this answer is lame but, in all honesty, he really doesn’t know.  Again, he has amnesia, and can’t remember anything before two weeks ago.

I wish I was an amnesiac.  I would have much better excuses for so many things in life.  Why are you not buckled? Why haven’t you seen The Princess Bride?  Why are you running out of that store with stacks of cash?  I know there’s technically not a rule about wearing pants to work, but why?

Anyway, I think the question, “What kind of music do you like?” should be struck from the lexicon of American conversation.  People hate having it directed at them.  The person asking the question is clearly out of things to say.  Why make the situation even more awkward and tense?  Let’s let people like whatever music they want and if they feel like they want to share this personal bit of information, let them tell you first.

Dear Tamar,

I am 59 but look about 50. The problem is men my age want younger women. I work out, have had a good facelift and I’m used to younger men chasing me. What should I do?

Dear Sexy at (Almost) Sixty,

It won’t hurt for you to select a wide age range on 100hookup and allow the men to know you are open to dating younger if they are interested. Based on the description of your appearance, I think you would benefit greatly from 100hookup events geared to the older crowd. That way men can hit on you based on your appearance not your age. At the same time, don’t be ashamed of your age — give the men an opportunity to be impressed with how young you look!

It has been just about three months since I began writing for 100hookup and I thought this would be a great time to take a break from my attraction building series to reflect on my experiences here, as well as discuss the future of this blog.

Since starting this blog I have increasingly come across more people finding me on 100hookup, Facebook, and other mediums informing me that they are enjoying the online dating advice I am providing.  For that I would like to say thank you, but make no mistake; I am not writing this blog to give myself a pat on the back.

The reason I am writing this blog is to once again open up the blog to suggestions from new readers.  When I first started this blog I asked readers what they would like to know about and to write in with suggestions.  However, at the time I was new and still largely unknown to 100hookup members.  Now that I am receiving emails from 100hookuprs® on a consistent basis  about this blog, I would like to once again open the floor to all 100hookuprs on topics you would like to learn or read about.  So feel free to send me any suggestions you may have or anything you would like to learn about.

I will also be continuing my attraction building series in the future, however, I have decided to space out the attraction building blogs to give the blog some more variance.  For those of you who were enjoying these entries, and according to the feedback frommany of you, do not worry. They will be back in the future, so stay tuned! 

And for those of you who want to contact me with any suggestions at all, please keep commenting!!

If you live in an area with a generally small hookup community (anywhere on earth), you are bound to recognize a lot more people than you would like to in your region on 100hookup.  Also, if you are hookup, you are probably forced to go to mixers or socials where hookup singles awkwardly pretend that they don’t recognize half of the people there from their profile pictures on 100hookup.  What’s worse, you recognize people whom have never met you in person, but have rejected your instant message request a number of times.  This is probably the worst thing that could happen to a human being.

I’ve broken several bones, had a concussion, my parents divorced, several of my dogs have died or been ‘given away’ (died). I’ve dealt with depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder.  I have lost family members, and not just to death.  In college, my brother went missing for over 24 hours.  Someone eventually found him sleeping on a sidewalk.  My childhood dog ran away several times for no reason except for the fact that he was forced to live outside in our backyard and that my little brother was prone to riding around on him like a horse.  There was a point somewhere in here that I was originally trying to make.

Despite my suburban hardships, few things have felt worse than the punch-in-the-gut feeling I get when I see people in real life that have previously rejected a conversation with me.  Intuition tells you to avoid them at all costs and, if forced to converse with, pretend that you have never seen them before.  I stopped listening to my intuition after giving out my contact info to a girl that had just watched my band play in high school.  What if I turned the tables on them?  Instead of avoiding her, assault her with questions.  “Hey, you rejected a simple conversation with me.  What up?”  She will most definitely deny she has ever seen you.  That’s why I always carry physical copies of my profile pictures in my wallet.  “Look at this.  Why would you not want to engage this face socially?”

I don’t actually carry my profile pictures in my wallet, nor have I confronted anyone verbally about not chatting with me online.  These are just things I think about.

I wouldn’t consider myself to be super picky when it comes to the women I meet online whomI end up asking out on dates. However, the more active of a dater you are the more time and money you need to commit to the process. During our season my time is at a premium and as a result I have become a bit more selective about whom I ask out on dates. In addition, I have realized that during the winter the amount of money I spent dating is another factor I need to consider.

Now, I am certainly not someone who believes that you need to spend a ton of money on dates to impress women, and instead my approach is to do things that I think we will both enjoy and put us in a situation where we are comfortable and can be ourselves. During the summer, dating was much easier, and less expensive, since simply walking around a neighborhood or by the lake made great dates; however, during the winter my options have become limited.

As a result of my shrinking list of things to do and places to go on first dates I have resorted to mostly asking women to meet for dinner or drinks. Additionally, since I am old-fashioned, I believe that if I ask a woman out on a date that I should pay, which, over time, has led me to realize that dating during the winter can become quite an expense. Since I don’t make a lot of money, and going out in the city is often expensive even when you aren’t going to posh places, I have once again had to become more discerning about whom I ask out.

Aside from this reality forcing me to be pickier about whom I ask out, I have also noticed that it has made my desire for the date to go well, and lead to a second date, much stronger. Where in the past I went out on dates more casually now, since I don’t go out on as many and select whom I go out with more carefully, my expectations have gone up, which is a side-effect that I’m not entirely comfortable with.  I guess I’ll have to wait for the weather to get warmer in order for it to change.