Archive for January, 2011

Dear Tamar,

I saw someone that I thought was really interesting so I sent her an email and asked her a question about something specific that I saw in her profile. She read the email and looked at my profile, but did not respond. The thing is, I really would like to communicate with her.  Should I try another route to approach her, or should I not be “that guy” and realize she is not interested?  Thanks!

Dear Repeat or Delete?,

The great thing about 100hookup is that you don’t lose anything by trying one more time. Sure, you could meet that person one day or have a friend in common, but for the most part chances are you’ll never run into each other so you’re not going to lose face by giving it one more shot. Both of you are on 100hookup to meet someone so why not try another route to get her attention? So far you’ve done everything right by asking her about something specific in her profile. She either isn’t interested, which is fine, or she’s ambivalent which means you have an opening to sway her in your direction. I would suggest trying the humor route, like “I saw that you checked me out, I hope my good looks didn’t scare you away” or something to that effect. Let her know that you know that she read your email and looked at your profile and try to appeal to her funny side — every girl likes a guy who can make her laugh! If she still doesn’t respond, then you know to move on.

Dear Tamar,

How realistic is 100hookup for a widow aged 68? Reading that a 5% response rate is not bad in general, how does this hold up for a woman of my age? It’s hard not to be discouraged because no one has expressed any interest in me but it would help to understand the odds better. I know there are enough men over 60, but how many of them will even consider a same aged woman?

Dear Never Too Late for 100hookup,

In general, the odds may seem to be against you as women outlive men. But don’t let that get you down. Instead, use 100hookup to your advantage by expanding on the possibilities of meeting an older man, a younger man, or even a man who lives in another city. Play around with your preferences and by that I mean make them as wide and broad as possible. Don’t limit yourself (okay, well, limit yourself to a point, but be flexible). Even if your hobbies and interests don’t overlap, don’t count the guy out — you may still enjoy his company! A minimum age range is understandable, but there are plenty of youthful and active 75-year-old men out there so don’t count those guys out! In addition, don’t forget to get involved in activities in your community because the same guy who may have overlooked you on 100hookup may see something he missed when he sees you in person.

Today we will continue our series on building attraction with one of the most important aspects that you could ever learn to develop – Self-Confidence.

One of the things I discovered while writing my online dating book was that self-confidence is a huge attraction builder; bigger than most people realize, in fact.  Ask any woman what they find most attractive about a man and self-confidence is always one of their top three answers.

Why is self-confidence so important?

High self-confidence is scientifically proven to make women more attracted to males.  They are wired this way and cannot help it. Think about how many times you have seen a so-so looking guy with a beautiful woman.   Often times these guys have tremendous self-confidence.

Some theorize the reason women are attracted to this is evolutionary; that women are wired to men who seem the most capable as a survival mechanism.  Others will argue that the reasons are largely social.  Whatever the reason, showing a ton of self-confidence gives women a lot of reasons to be interested in you:

• You are showing that you are someone with a ton of value (another attraction builder).   If you act like you are great, women will wonder why you are acting this way and assume there is something special about you.

• You are showing that you are someone that women who date you can bring anywhere without worrying about the social implications.

• You are showing you will be someone that is fun, entertaining, and has the ability to take control.  Women want someone that is strong and confident which ties into our alpha male attraction building in a previous blog entry.

For all these reasons, do whatever it takes to build up your self-confidence.  In my next blog we will discuss ways to do so.

I was sitting here trying to think of a relevant, thrilling topic to discuss.  Right before I started, a commercial for a different online dating site came on TV on the Lifetime network.  Yeah, I was watching Lifetime.  Not because I’m secure about my masculinity, because I’m not.  I was watching Lifetime because they are now syndicating How I Met Your Mother.  The fact that a television show based on five people, three of whom are men, which often takes places in bars, strip clubs, and bachelor pads, is on the first television network dedicated completely to women, is temporarily irrelevant.  Also, their made-for-TV movies are great when I need an abusive-husband-voyeurism fix.  Also, Will & Grace has to live on somewhere.  So I was watching Lifetime and now you know that.

The online dating site commercial boasted that it has been the source of like a million marriages.  That sounds tempting if you are single.  But then I thought about it.  How can any website trace every one of its marriages back to itself?  Think about this.  If you are lucky enough to find a mate using an online dating site, are you going to advertise to the world that you found each other online?  Of course, I love telling people that I blog for 100hookup, and if I found a wife using this site, I would tell everybody because it is a respected and respectable site.  Nothing against the other website, but I truly doubt that they can, for sure, say that they are the impetus for over a million marriages.  And if they can, then the general American public has no dignity.

I think it confuses women when, after we have been chatting online or texting, I tell them that I am going out of town for work. Furthermore, the fact that during our season I am seemingly in and out of town weekly is something that I’d imagine raises a red flag in many women’s minds.

Today I was trying to make plans for a first date with a woman I have met on 100hookup but I was forced to send the unfortunate, and rather embarrassing text, that not only was I unavailable for the rest of the week, but I wasn’t even going to be in town.

Some women, upon hearing that I was leaving on a Wednesday afternoon for Salt Lake City, and not returning until Friday evening, would probably take that as a sign of disinterest because, when I say it out loud, I can understand how it could be interpreted as an excuse to get out of making plans.

But it’s not an excuse; it’s one of the realities of my job. I travel during the season at random times, and literally all over the country (even Salt Lake City), which is something that not every woman I talk to is going to understand or even want to deal with.

However, when I really think about it, my situation really just speaks to the nature of dating, which is that we all have parts of our lives that the people closest to us have to deal with. My job, and subsequent travel schedule, is something that my significant other would have to deal with so they might as well be exposed to it sooner rather than later.

After you’ve finally recovered from the surprise demise of what you thought was a relationship headed in the right direction, how do you trust your instincts again when it comes to dating? It’s hard to get back out there after a broken heart and it’s even more difficult to know if you can not only trust your gut but also take someone at their word. A broken heart will wreak havoc on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your self-worth, not to mention your sub-conscience.

About five years ago I was blind-sided by a break-up. Not only was it out of left field, but I felt so confident about the relationship I didn’t know how the guy could have felt differently without me knowing. After a few weeks moping, hanging out with my girlfriends and throwing myself into my work, I was ready to start dipping my toe in the dating waters. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship quite yet, but I needed to bring myself back from the brink. Seeing what (or rather, who) was out there would help me finish healing. So I signed back on to 100hookup and fielded messages and phone calls from some really great guys who had my interest piqued. But my inner alarm kept ringing. How could I know that this guy wouldn’t hurt me also? I didn’t. That we can never know and it’s a risk we take in love and life. But how could I know that this guy was being genuine about how much he liked me? Again, I would just have to take a risk and make sure I kept my eyes open to any warning signs.

It’s definitely hard to trust not only yourself but the person you’re dating after a painful break-up. You become cynical. Every statement, every action, is doubted and dissected. And that skepticism is hard to hide and unfortunately will lead to making your dates fail no matter how great the other person was. Believe that the right person is out there and that putting only your best self forward will help in finding him or her. Eventually I did meet my next boyfriend, but alas that relationship also didn’t pan out, although this time I was the one to bring an end to it. I would go through more than a few of these before meeting my husband but at least I felt good knowing I gave them 100%.

The thing we all have to understand about dating is that no matter how many dates you go on, no matter how many relationships you’ve been in or for how long you were in them, only one is going to be the ultimate success (okay, maybe two, but that’s not the point here). So each date you go on and each relationship you enter deserves to be given your full attention, your entire focus and entered into with an open heart. Until you meet your beshert, dating is cyclical. First date after first date, relationship after relationship, break-up after break-up. It’s easy to get jaded and frustrated, but eventually the cycle will end with the right person at the right time.

In my last blog post I discussed the importance of using humor to build attraction when meeting women online.   This is something that I write a tremendous amount about in my online dating guide and should not be underestimated.  Last time we talked about all of the reasons it is important and today we will discuss exactly how to use humor to your advantage.

Allow me to start out by saying this: All humor is good humor as long as it is not completely juvenile and makes the girl laugh.  You can’t go wrong with making someone laugh.  However, the best humor to build attraction with is humor that is both slightly cocky and funny at the same time.  In addition, we want to be playful and flirtatious.

An example of how to act cocky and funny might be:

“You better ask me for my phone number soon; don’t you know there are fifteen women on the waiting list right now on 100hookup for me? =P”

Notice how this statement incorporates humor, but is also playful, slightly flirtatious, implies that we are in demand and encourages good conversation back.  You may notice that a few other attraction builders that I previously talked about have been simultaneously hit on.

Whatever you write about, keep it playful and show lots of confidence.  If you need help with humor, hang around funny people, watch comedians and practice.  Exposing yourself constantly to humor will make you funnier.  I am out of time for this blog.  In my next blog we will move on to our next attraction builder: self-confidence.

The Israeli/Palestinian conflict can be condensed to a 12 by 16 foot room.  You may imagine that if an Israeli and a Palestinian both shared the same space as their living quarters, things could get ugly.  The Palestinian might claim that the sink on his side of the room is his ‘West Sink.’  The Israeli may claim the TV his Tel Avision.  The Israeli may relegate the Palestinian to a back corner of the room.  The Palestinian would retaliate by lighting his farts on fire, leaving the room smelling like butt-ane.  The Palestinian would go to the guys next door to ensure their loyalty.  In fact, he would get allegiance from virtually the entire floor.  The Israeli’s closest ally would be across campus, yet able to send representatives to his room due to their affluence.  By the end of the semester, both sides would be too tired to fight and eat a sandwich.

In reality, I know of an Israeli and a Palestinian who were college roommates for over two years.  I not only know of them, I know them.  I not only know them, but they are two of my best friends, as well as each other’s.  They were relatively good friends in high school, but grew closer in college.  From my experience being around them, the crisis in the Middle East rarely came up, if ever.  They were just people.  Though extremists on both sides might condemn this arrangement, it was a no-brainer for the two.

I am not completely sure, but I think they took a Middle Eastern Studies class together.  They also co-founded a short-lived campus organization whose sole intent was to get money from the university in order to see what they could do with it.  They both had many similar friends, including myself.  Hopefully, I will be able to hang out with them later tonight.

I am so sick of all the indirectness in dating. If you didn’t have a good time on our date, or had fun but aren’t really interested in going out again, then you should tell me. Similarly, if I experience either of those feelings I should be able to politely express to you that I am not going to call and ask you to go out again.

However, that’s not how dating works. Unless you are a mind reader it’s all a big freaking guessing game where you are trying to read the other person’s signals, body-language and subtle gestures like a spy during WWI. To be completely honest I am getting really sick of it.

Are we that fragile as individuals that we can’t be softly rejected, and instead believe that it is better to be lied to than hear the truth? Furthermore, are we that cowardly to the point where we would rather lie to someone and “spare their feelings” instead of just being honest?

Well apparently we are.

Now, I am not here to condemn the rest of society for this phenomenon because I am also a perpetrator of this indignity however I am sick of the half-truths and lies that are a part of the dating culture. This might seem like an altruistic quest, and perhaps to a certain degree it is but I would counter with the fact that the alternative of lying or making up excuses is cowardly and selfish.

So from now on I am going to be honest with the women that I go out with and if I have no intentions of calling them I am no longer going to play coy or act like I will. Instead I am just going to be honest. Perhaps this new progressive approach will earn me a few slaps, but I honestly believe that people will appreciate my gentle honesty in the long-run since, to me, knowing the truth (even if it’s unfavorable) is better than be deceived in order to spare your feelings.

Dear Tamar,

Any tips on what to say to someone who sent me a message but, to be quite honest, is just not my type in the looks department? I know that sounds soooooo incredibly shallow but let’s face it, attraction is important! I just don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or come off like a b**ch. I want to be honest and I think if someone messages me they deserve a reply! Help please….

Dear Not My Type,

You ask a very realistic and common question. First off, I applaud you for not wanting to just delete and ignore the message because you’re right, people do deserve some sort of reply. Here’s the thing though — you don’t have to say why exactly you’re not interested, sometimes it’s more polite to just decline without explanation. The person won’t be left wondering why you didn’t respond and you can avoid being a b**ch. Simply reply something along the lines of “Thank you for your interest, but unfortunately I don’t believe we’d be a match. I wish you the best of luck finding your Beshert!” You can also tell a little white lie and reply “Thanks for your letter, I just recently met someone and want to see where it goes. Good luck!” Some people may reply back questioning your rejection (i.e. “Why don’t you think we’d be a match? Why are you still signing on to 100hookup if you met someone?) but at that point you can ignore and block and not feel bad about it.