Archive for December, 2010

“I don’t get it.  I go on date after date, and no matter who I go out with, I never seem to find anyone I like!  Is there something wrong with me?  Am I just at an age where I am incapable of falling in love the way I was when I was young?”

Do these thoughts sound familiar to anyone out there?

I remember thinking these thoughts all the time back when I was meeting girls online.  It seemed like month after month I was dating girl after girl and just not getting anywhere.  Each date felt more depressing than the last.   I’d go out, and for the most part, the girls would seem nice, things would even be somewhat entertaining most of the time.  But something was just missing.  I just wasn’t feeling it.    I found myself never having that urge to call a girl for a second or third date.  And when I did wind up calling back, it usually felt forced, as if I was trying so hard to be normal (which would usually seem like normal thoughts to have).  But after months and months, it starts to not feel so normal anymore.

After a long time not finding someone to match up with, I’d feel like there was something wrong with me.  Do we reach an age where we just lose that ability to fall completely in love with someone?  You know the type of love I’m talking about.  Thinking 24/7 about them, always wanting to talk to them, obsessing over every detail of what happens between the both of you.   I sure wasn’t having any of these feelings.  It felt like those feelings were just a distant childhood friend of mine whom I had lost the ability to feel with age.  Not only that, but I felt like a complete screw-up.  Why was everyone else I knew in healthy relationships but I could not seem to meet anyone through online dating?

Why do I bring this up?  Because I know there are a lot of people out there who feel the same way right now.  People who go on date after date and wonder why they can’t meet someone they could picture themselves being a perfect match for.  The truth is, there was nothing wrong with me.  I eventually realized it takes time to meet the perfect person.  A lot of us think we need help with online dating or that something is wrong with us when we can’t find a date after three months.  Think about it.  It seems kind of silly to think that you are going to find the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your life after online three months.  This could take months, even years.  Why settle?  Take each date one date at a time and realize there may be nothing wrong at all.  These things just take time.

Last night I went out with a friend to catch up since I had been traveling with the team for most of the past three weeks. We usually see each other and talk frequently so we are always up to date on each other’s lives; however, with my hectic travel schedule, and the holidays, we had a lot to catch up on. We chatted about work, our families and how we spent Thanksgiving before he inevitably asked how 100hookup was going.

This subject is always a natural part of our conversations since he was the one who realized early on how much I could benefit from online dating and then convinced me to sign up. Even before I answered his question about how things were going I could tell he knew what I was going to say. I explained to him how I had kept talking with women during our trips, but that it was very difficult to make plans during the short windows that I was back in town and therefore most of those conversations had not led to any dates.

Fortunately, he wasn’t going to let me off the hook that easy and was prepared to offer an idea to help alleviate my dating problem. His suggestion was that I explain to the women what my current travel situation was but that I’d still like to have a face-to- face interaction via Skype™. After hearing this, I had to give it to him that it was a good idea even if I wasn’t sure how any women would react to it. Nonetheless, I’m going to give it a shot and will report back on the results soon.

You are driving home with an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach.  You are mentally visualizing the date you just had, trying to undo all of the mistakes that can never be undone.  “I should have held the door for her.  I also should have listened to her when she was talking about her sick grandmother instead of just nodding in agreement.  I shouldn’t have suggested she pay for dinner.”  You just had a bad date and it feels terrible.  Don’t worry, your bad date is nothing compared to the conditions that people have to deal with every day in North Korea.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve had quite a bit of success on 100hookup meeting some wonderful women.  Recently one of them stood out more than the others.  I was smitten. We went out five times in three weeks and each date was better than the last.  We laughed, we shared, we kissed, we cuddled, and we had an amazing start to a relationship. Then it suddenly ended.

After a long night together I went home at 11am for some much needed sleep but not before making plans for another date. At 3pm she called me to tell me it wasn’t working. I was stunned. I stopped by her place to drop off something she had left with me, and with a beautiful smile she thanked me for the time we had.

What had just happened?  Had I pushed too hard, moved too fast, spent too much time with her too quickly?  If that was the case, though, then why break it off?  If she liked me wasn’t that the kind of problem that was easily rectified? Simply tell me we need to slow down and I would have happily obliged! I texted her and said I wasn’t willing to leave it the way we had and that I would give her some space and call her in a week.  After all, I’m a guy who fights for a good thing!

If you have any advice for a poor dejected shlub like me I’d really appreciate it! Thanks!

Dear Shunned and Stunned,

Unfortunately I have been in your shoes and it sucks plain and simple. And if I care to think back (I really don’t), I bet I can think of a time when I left someone high and dry. I know you felt a connection and that it was mutual, but for her it wasn’t “it” for some reason that more than likely has nothing to do with you. The “why” may give you some closure and may make you feel better in the short term, but even if you never get that explanation you’re going to have to move on and force yourself to get over it. It’s heartbreaking to have had so much hope in something so new and have it end out of nowhere. It threatens your faith in love.

Let’s try to find the silver lining: it has only been a few weeks, at least she didn’t shun you after months and months together! You met someone on 100hookup that you had a deep connection with and that means it can and will happen again! You liked someone who was willing to throw away something that could have gone somewhere; do you really want to be with someone like that? (I’m guessing not).

There’s a chance she was just freaking out and needed some time to gather her thoughts but, unfortunately, I don’t see her changing her mind. Something happened that caused her to pull the trigger to end the relationship, but let me repeat, it has nothing to do with you, this is not a reflection of you and the explanation doesn’t really matter in the long run. Chalk it up to a sucky dating experience, get back out there and, soon enough,your Beshert will come along.

It is not always easy for the male dater to receive a phone number online.  Sometimes this takes a lot of hard work, practice, and dedication since there are so many more females being hit by guys.

However, sometimes we do receive a woman’s phone number and we get all excited. Unfortunately, for some reason, she does not pick up the phone when we call.   This can be a very confusing thing.  Why would this girl spend all this time not only talking to me, but giving me her phone number, as well, only to not pick up the phone?

Often times when this happens it is because there hasn’t been enough of an established bond and comfort between you and the person you were talking to.  Chances are she enjoyed talking to you and gave out her phone number for a reason.  However, as time passed on between your conversations online and your actual phone call, her comfort level may have decreased along the way, and she no longer feels comfortable picking up your call.

One way to battle this is to establish an inside joke during your actual online conversations.  Then, before you ever call, send a text message relating to that inside joke you have planted.  I call this “conversation seeds.”  Now you will have something to joke about through text messages that may last a couple of days, texting on and off.  This should be done in a flirty, playful way.  This also allows you to smoothly transition from online to real life.  When you do eventually call, her comfort levels will now be raised due to her increased bond and familiarly with you.  If done properly, this will have any girl looking forward to a date with you in no time.

Up until recently, I was on a dating roll. I was actively trying to talk to a lot of different people, having good conversations and going out on first dates almost every week; however, since my schedule has gotten busy, due to the start of the season, I have lost much of my momentum.

While some people are naturally confident when it comes to meeting people and dating, I am someone who needs to build up my dating self-esteem over time before I’m feeling truly confident about that aspect of my personal life. That is why it is so important that I’m riding a wave of positive momentum, otherwise I am liable to make excuses or take a break from dating when there’s really no reason to.

I’ve been through these cycles before and know that the dating game has its ups and downs. But the important thing that I’ve learned from previously losing my dating momentum is that I need to fight through it. I know that I can’t sit back and wait for a situation to fall into my lap that picks up my confidence, and instead need to try to remain active and build myself back up.

Even though this is certainly easier said than done it is important that I take control of my personal life and do whatever is necessary to keep myself in a confident mindset. Since a portion of my self-esteem is dependent on how I feel about my personal life I know that it’s important I don’t give up on it just because I have hit a plateau; I know that if I stay active and keep trying to improve my situation that I’ll regain my momentum soon.

You give yourself two full hours to prepare for your date.  Though it is probably futile, you give your all to get ready to meet the astronaut-supermodel-doctor whom you have been talking to via 100hookup for the past day and a half.  You are so focused on a good impression that you even wash your pants.  (Of course, you already know that pants are always clean no matter how many times in a row you wear them.  Come on, they’re pants.  Who washes pants daily, or even weekly?  You do?  They can get dirty just like every other item of clothing that you wear?  Duly noted.  I will write that on my fictitious bulletin board.)

You drive slowly to pick up your future astronaut-supermodel-doctor wife in order to look at yourself in the rear-view mirror as many times as possible.  If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have noticed the shaving cream on both sides of your neck or your big ugly face.  You reflect on all of the joyous online conversations the two of you have shared.  She trusted you enough to tell you, a relative stranger, that she is afraid of bugs, while you have already told her, in great detail, about your obsessive-compulsive disorder and your fear that you may never love again.  You remember finding it peculiar that in every photo she has shown you of herself she is wearing a mask.  Also, she has refused to talk to you over the phone.

As you pull up to her house you notice the fact that it is not a house.  You also notice that it looks more like an abandoned tool shed.  There are no cars, or tractors, to report.  There is, however, a mailbox in front of the shed as well as a satellite dish on the roof.  You vaguely remember her telling you to not be surprised if you notice that her house looks a lot like an abandoned tool shed.  You park in the street and walk up to her “house” with a bouquet of flowers in your hand because you are a romance movie stereotype, and she is, apparently, a farmer with no farm.  You knock on her…siding.  A middle-aged man opens the siding flap thing and welcomes you in.  He said he’ll “go to the back” to get your date.  There are no rooms, it is just a tool shed.  He makes a loop around the inside of the tool shed and tells you that although she will not be available tonight, he would love to be taken out to dinner.  You realize that you’ve just been “had by the farmer” as they say.  (Nobody says that.)  You make a run for your car.

Okay, this never happened, but the lesson is to not blindly trust people…or something.

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been dating this guy for a few weeks now…I would say that it’s “pretty casual” considering we usually see one another 1-2 times a week (it’s a little bit difficult for me to go out more than that as I am a single mom and have sole custody of my child). We communicate every day, either by text (which I’m really not crazy about!), or by brief phone calls (which usually last 10-30 minutes, max). The guy seems to like me…is always complementing me, flattering me, etc. (although it usually has to do with my appearance), but the “relationship” doesn’t really feel like it’s progressing. Sometimes, after an especially romantic date, the guy won’t call me until about 10 p.m. the next night. He’s a very good looking, confident, and charming guy…a real “catch” (on paper!). I’m trying not to let this situation get the best of me, but I’m starting to feel taken for granted and insecure here. Although I’m presently “dating” in general, it’s not my style to “juggle” men (I just got out of a long-term relationship)… and, in spite of myself, I’m starting to find myself developing strong feelings for this guy, although my better judgment tells me to proceed with caution! What do you think? How should I handle this situation? This guy even told me (voluntarily, without being prompted) that he is not seeing anyone else and that he’s even considering closing his 100hookup account. Is this guy “just not that into me” considering he’s not pursuing me that actively?

Dear Casually Dating or More?,

It sounds to me like you’re trying to find problems where there aren’t any! This thus-far casual relationship seems much more serious to me via your letter than you seem able to see yourself. You’re seeing each other about twice a week — great! He compliments you — fantastic! He calls you regularly and texts as well — super! He voluntarily told you he isn’t seeing anyone else and is thinking of closing his 100hookup account — phenomenal! And yet you think he’s not pursuing you that actively? What more can he do? I bet if you told him what you needed he would do so because I think he really likes you! So what’s the problem here? To be frank, I think it’s your insecurity that things may be progressing faster than you imagined, or that you will give more of yourself only to be rejected. I know you just got out of a long-term relationship, but that doesn’t mean the next guy couldn’t possibly be your Beshert. If you’re enjoying dating freely and are not ready for commitment then let him know you’re not ready to get serious so quickly. But be warned — you risk losing a great guy who most definitely IS into you!

When people are actively dating they get used to the idea of self-promoting – talking about themselves at such a length that was previously uncomfortable and unacceptable all in an effort to sell themselves. But there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed when it comes to being too self-involved… namely, when you forget to ask about the other person and actually begin to enjoy hearing yourself talk about yourself. Don’t give up when you find yourself faced with the Self Involved Syndrome because it’s pretty common and not always indicative of the person. Many people get jaded by the online aspect of JDating®, the picking and posting of photos of yourself, writing about yourself and making yourself seem bigger and better than you may actually be. It can be daunting to make good on all your promises (even when they’re true) by finally meeting each other in person. When someone you’re communicating with on 100hookup seems self-involved, don’t misconstrue it as disinterest. Instead, try to steer the conversation towards banter and making plans. Try to get offline and in person as soon as possible.

Do a self-check to make sure you’re not the one being overly self-involved. Before you send an email, read it back and calculate the ratio of sentences about you and sentences asking about the other person. It should be equal, 50/50. Of course, respond to questions asked of you or comment on something the other person said to create a tête-à-tête – just remember to toss it back and lead the conversation forward. You can use this self-check in person when you’re on a date, too. Ask questions but don’t make it seem too forced. Instead, really show interest in the answer and prove you’re listening to the answer by commenting or asking a follow-up question. Talk about yourself but not for too long before turning the table back over. Find subjects you have in common to talk about but also be open to learning about something new – such as your date.

Dating is tough.  Relationships are tougher. Marriage is… well… I’m not quite there yet so let’s just not think about that.

But no matter how hard us guys try, no matter how nice we are, there is one thing that men have never been able to successfully pull off.  We have prayed for it since the beginning of time.  We have cried ourselves to sleep many a nights hoping that this day would one day come.  We have even fled our homes in a desperate panic hoping it would all just go away.  And now, after centuries of waiting and hoping, our prayers may finally be answered…

Technology can finally warn us when it is our significant other’s “special time of the month.”  Yes that’s right.  You heard me correctly.  There is officially an application that will warn men out there just when it is that week of the month where we should be extra nice and avoid confrontations at all cost!

Okay, I’m obviously exaggerating (or am I?) so ladies, don’t be mad, I love you all!  But when I heard about this product I thought it would be a funny topic to mention for all of us out there in relationships.  The product is called “code red” and when your girl is going through her “special time” (yes I’m going to keep referring to it as that in the hopes of forgiveness =) ), us men out there just have to input the application and let the app take care of the rest.  From then on it will warn us guys with a CODE RED alert that includes a red symbol with horns!  Hilarious stuff, even for sheer comic value.

Just a word of advice to you guys out there:  Use it for humor only.  Throw it in her face when she is having a bad day and you will, without a doubt, regret the day you ever purchased this product.