Archive for November, 2010

Bartenders have always been my friends.  They bring me beer.  They’re usually friendly.  They’re often times girls.  Sometimes, they are friendly girls that bring me beer all in one.  Recently, I ran into this rare species.  Not only did she fit all of those characteristics, but she was pretty.  We exchanged numbers before I left.  When I came back a few days later, I found out that giving her my name, phone number, email address, and blog address was too much information.  I remember thinking at the time that it may be a bit much.  Oh well.

Despite this, she actually remembered me.  Not only that but she had gone to see me do stand-up comedy the one Monday night I didn’t go.  Well, now there’s no way that she believed that I did stand-up comedy.  I told her I was doing it again that very night and she told me to text her right before I go on.  I texted her, did my set, and she showed up right after I finished.  Okay, there is no way she would believe me now.  I would have to just be generally funny around her to maintain my aura of hilarity.  Well that failed quickly.

I texted her a few days later, but got no response.  Maybe I am going crazy and actually never did stand-up comedy; instead I told jokes in front of my closet mirror that doesn’t exist.  I love you anyway, bartender lady.

Dear Tamar,

I have been talking to a guy I met on 100hookup and he only gave me his house number and not his cell number. Not only that but when the weekend comes I never hear from him. Do you find this to be weird?

Dear Sketchy with the Cell Phone,

In a word, YES. Nobody uses their house phones anymore; I don’t even have a house phone! So to choose to give out that number versus his cell phone is weird. And I bet when he calls you it comes from a blocked number, right? To top it off, you never hear from him on the weekend… it sounds like this guy is a player. He either has a girlfriend or he’s dating multiple women. Either way, I would recommend you run, not walk, away as fast as you can. There’s nothing positive that is going to come out of this guy.

While you’re out there searching for your special someone, remind yourself why you want to be one half of a couple and make sure your way of thinking is pure and real. Your reasoning for dating is written across your forehead in plain English whether you like it or not (and can be read between the lines of your profile). If you’re constantly wondering why perfectly eligible singles aren’t jiving with you, then maybe your purpose in dating isn’t genuine and you’re putting off the wrong vibe. Do you want to share your life with someone, grow old with the same someone and start a family with the same someone? Or are you just sick of being the fifth wheel, sick of sitting at the single’s tables and sick of going home to an empty house? Figure it out because you’re going to get whatever it is you put out there.

When you’re not sure about the kind of person you’re looking for and you’re not sure why you’re even out there looking, the doubt and cynicism will be apparent. Women can usually tell when a guy is not done playing the field, when he is still looking to have fun and is not yet ready to look for a wife and settle down. On the flip side, men can also tell when a woman is overly desperate and needy. How men and women react in these situations is something else altogether: some women may want to try and tame a player and some men go for a desperate woman because he may think she’s easy prey. Don’t fall into these categories if you don’t want to attract these types of people. Make sure you know what your target is – a fun time, a serious relationship or whatever it may be – and emote that on your face and in your body language.

The Kibitz Corner is back…

 In celebration of Monopoly’s 75^th Anniversary we posed the follow question to our members:

“In the game of Monopoly, the  __          piece best represents my personality.”

Here are the top 10 most creative answers we received!

1. Airplane…I am always seeking what lies beyond the horizon..even when i am not physically traveling, my mind is on journeys into the mystic realms that make up so much of […]my art work and poetry…the airplane represents the ability to make the soul soar into the realms of possibilities…

 jaritl, 67, Divorced, Man seeking a Woman, Tallahassee, FL

 2. The Iron . Because I am Smooth and Hot Baby Yea!!!! : )

Neill, 38, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Los Angeles,

 3. Train. I’m always powering ahead. Always moving forward with positive momentum. Not to mention I’m carrying a bit of cargo. LOL

 STKAMAMA, 31, Separated, Woman seeking a Man, Philadelphia, PA

 4. I always used the shoe: I believe in actively walking through life, you can’t really run or you won’t get to enjoy the sights

 anonymous…, 23, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Fair Lawn, NJ

 5. I always liked the thimble. When someone starts stabbing out of frustration, one of my fingers is in the clear.

AprilsRoc…, 26, Single, Woman seeking a Man, Chicago, IL

 6. Dog. I’m loyal, smart, loving and man’s best friend.. or more. :-p

 Judith22, 22, Single, Woman seeking a Man, London, United Kingdom

 7. The Top Hat: I’m classy, made of solid pewter, and apparently capable of considerable real-estate savvy.

 sansmalheur, 26, Single, Man seeking a Woman, New Haven, CT

 8. House – I’m very much into making a happy, comfortable home for my friends and family… that said, who doesn’t love spending a week at a hotel on vacation?

 carrie1218, 39, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Brentwood (LA), CA

 9. My personality is multifaceted….. one piece is not enough.

 Gr8L80, 50, Divorced, Woman seeking a Man, Toronto, Canada

 10. If you combine the starwars and regular games, I’d go with Chewbacca with the top hat. I’d rename that one Wacka-chicka Chewbacca.

 Hebrewham…, 30, Single, Man seeking a Woman, Valley Cottage, NY

Last night, I realized that I smile too much, and the result can be very creepy.  My default facial expression has always been a smile.  I guess that it’s a defense mechanism so that my face doesn’t reflect what is actually going on inside me.  Wouldn’t you rather see a wonderful smile than a head looking down, crying and drooling?  I sure would.  Smiles are great and wonderful and make you look like a carefree person.

So anyway, last night, I was hanging out with people I didn’t really know.  One of the girls was cute, so I was looking at her.  Not in a creepy way, just casually glancing at her whenever I could.  But one time, during a transitory glance, I caught her eye.  So I flashed the biggest, dumbest smile imaginable.  She smiled back.  But then, something terrible happened.  I never looked away.  I just stared while smiling at her for a good ten seconds.  Since she didn’t know what to do, she continued looking at me.  After a few of these sessions, she asked, “I gotta be straight up, why are you staring at me and smiling?”  I didn’t have an answer and felt super creepy.  “Because this beer is great and your teeth are so white,” is pretty much how I responded to that.  Perfect comeback, right?  She didn’t really talk to me much after that.  Well at least until after we all had a few more drinks.  I think after you reach a certain point of inebriation, staring and smiling at girls becomes far more acceptable because that’s what they expect.

But smiling always works in television and movies.  If an attractive man sees a girl from across a restaurant, all he has to do is smile, and bam! They’re in bed together.  The male usually does not have to actually say anything to get a girl into bed.  The rules for men in movies have always been the same, and they are universal:

1.)  Wear a Polo shirt.

2.)  Smile at anyone

3.)  Be in bed with them.

The rules in real life are often different.

1.)  Wear anything but a Polo shirt.

2.)  Don’t stare at anybody, and if you do, don’t creepily smile.

3.)  Do not approach subject, as they are unpredictable and often angry.  Instead, wait for the off-chance that she approaches you, which, in reality, will never happen.

4.)  Lie in bed alone.

It is always difficult to cope with the end of something that you don’t want to end, no matter how much you agree with, or understand, why it’s happening. Break ups, signaling the end of relationships, are strong examples of this idea even if they are completely mutual and amicable for both parties.

When something that you invest time and energy in comes to a close you are naturally going to think about all the things that led to that point, and what you could have done differently along the way. Obviously, in the time after the situation ends you are going to gain better perspective on it, though this sentiment doesn’t offer much consolation in the wake of the negative feelings one endures during and immediately after.

Last night a woman, whom I had been dating for a couple of months, and I broke up and even though it was completely mutual, and we headed into the conversation thinking the same thing, it still didn’t feel good afterward. I had called her on my way home from work to express my feelings about how, even though we had fun together, our schedules were very conflicting and it was too hard to make plans and grow the relationship.

She ended up calling me back a little while later and therefore got to express that point first, but I completely agreed and we had small talked for a few minutes before wishing each other the best and getting off the phone. In the minutes immediately following, however, I could feel my mood begin to turn and my demeanor shift toward one that was more quiet and sullen. In the end it wasn’t that I was crushed by the fact that we had decided not to see each other anymore, but rather that I enjoy the feeling of having someone and being in a relationship, which is a feeling I have no idea of knowing when I’ll experience it again.

Dear Tamar,

No one on 100hookup will talk to me! Help! No one responds to my emails – I’ve tried keeping it short and I’ve tried elaborating, I’m not getting anymore “clicks” and no one wants to chat. WTF?! How do I fix this problem?! Lol. Please help!

Dear 100hookup No Date,

I can tell you’re really frustrated and I hope I can help. First, you’ve gotta shake off this recent dating downturn. Everyone goes through it at some point and it’s how you handle it that will make all the difference. Next, if you’re not a paid member I suggest you become one in order to maximize your chances. Change your preferences so that you’re searching for the categories that you would fall into and check out your competitions’ pictures and profiles to see what you are up against. Using what you’ve learned apply it to renovating your own profile and photos. While you’re at it, ask a trusted friend or relative to critique your profile honestly and bluntly and don’t take it personally. Even ask that confidant to critique your emails and IMs to potential dates to make sure you’re coming off the right way. And two final thoughts: One, make sure that your preferences are not too restricted and two, don’t give up, all dating lulls eventually come to an end so just have patience and keep at it and your luck will turn. Good Luck!

The worst part of a date, or any general social interaction, is the awkward silence that ensues whenever a conversation is not occurring.  The silence often follows a statement that was ill-conceived or overly emotional.  For example, I say, “I hear the chicken is good” to which you reply, “Chickens are often malnourished and crammed into small spaces before they are killed to be eaten.”  Following twenty minutes of dead air, I say, “How about the steak?”

The previous conversation has never happened, but the following has:  “So how is law school, Melissa?”  Melissa looks at me without saying anything.  Though this silence was fleeting and probably lasted ten seconds, it felt like three hours.  I had no idea what I did wrong.  Melissa finally answered with a clever little quip, “I am in med school and my name is Rebecca.”  I felt really bad, but seriously, I had already met like seven girls named Melissa whom are all currently attending law school.  By the time I met the fifth Melissa, I just assumed…

It was a good assumption, because it is very close to the truth.

“So Rebecca, I hear the chicken is good,” I say.  I did not know, nor was I prepared for the fact that she had dissected a chicken earlier that day.  Instead of giving me the usual PETA-inspired diatribe about abused chickens, she replies in horrific detail what the inside of a chicken looks like.  I thought that I already knew what the inside of a chicken looked like:  Sometimes it looks like a grilled breast, while other times it looks somewhat like a fried wing.  Astoundingly, this is not what the inside of a raw chicken looks like at all.  She then started showing me pictures of this poor chicken on her cell phone.  This was after we had already gotten our food.  Rebecca’s chicken looked far worse and only somewhat delectable.  Thank goodness I got spaghetti.  Spaghetti is often a safe go-to food because not only have noodles and sauce rarely been abused, but if the .083% chance arises where your date shows you pictures of a mutilated animal, there is a very good chance that that animal is not on your plate.

In most relationships there comes a point in time when you need to have “the talk.” Usually what precipitates this conversation is the feeling by one, or both, of you that you aren’t on the same page regarding where the relationship is, what your expectations are, and where it has the potential to go in the future. However even though having this conversation might seem like a positive for any couple it is not always easy to initiate, or have, especially if you have a very unclear picture of where you stand with the other person.

Additionally if, like me, you’ve had bad experiences with these types of conversations in the past, then you know how ominous the time leading up to them feels, and the impending doom that might very well ensue during and after the talk. The last time I had one of these “talks” with a woman I was seeing it started with me asking her, after we had a few drinks, how she would classify our relationship (casual, exclusive, other?); she ended up reacting defensively and threw the question back at me. In a panic I decided to change the subject since I had clearly touched a nerve and had tried to bring up a subject that she wasn’t ready, or willing, to discuss at that point in time.

The feeling of not being on the same page as someone that you are seeing can be uncomfortable; however, I think that in spite of those feelings it is important to do what you can to have an open line of communication with people you are dating. I have been casually seeing a woman for a couple months now and am beginning to feel like we need to have “the talk” because I am not totally sure how she feels about things and where she sees the relationship going. In the end, even though, to a certain extent, I am dreading this conversation because it might not go well, I know that even if I don’t hear what I want,  it’ll be better to have the opportunity to put my cards out on the table instead of remaining unclear on how she views me and our relationship.

Dear Tamar,

I am 52 years old, was married for 22 years and now I am single. I would very much like to have a meaningful, passionate relationship. I just don’t know how to go about connecting with someone online. Whenever I find someone I’m attracted to I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to come off being too forward or too aggressive. I don’t enjoy playing games, I just want to be honest about how I feel. What would you advise me to do when I want to make a connection with someone online? How should I approach the individual? I want to be smart about it. Thanks!

Dear Connecting Online,

Thank you for your very eloquent letter. You could basically post a version of your letter as your “About Me” paragraph which would attract the right type of people. See my example:

I am 52 years, was married for 22 years and now I am single. I would very much like to have a meaningful, passionate relationship. I don’t enjoy playing games; I just want to be honest about how I feel. I don’t want to come off being too forward or too aggressive but I’m not sure how to go about connecting with someone online. (And then add more about yourself: your character traits, hobbies and what you’re looking for in a mate.)

The same goes for any email you send a potential date. Let them know that you are new to 100hookup and have a hard time ensuring that your real personality comes through online but that you think you would enjoy each other’s company because of x, y, and z reasons. Your email doesn’t have to be too long or too detailed. Keep it short and sweet and you won’t have the chance to come off too forward or too aggressive. Once you meet in person I believe you’ll be more comfortable so try to get off-line and in-person as soon as possible. Good Luck!