Archive for August, 2010

I may have made a slight mistake the other night when I did something that I would definitely negatively judge someone else, either male or female, for doing. Inadvertently, I may have accidentally opened a conversation, and then flirted with, a good friend of a woman I met, and briefly dated, on 100hookup. However, I hope that those of you reading this will at least bear with me for the full story before coming to the verdict that I was either in the wrong, or just making an honest mistake.

Recently, I have been trying to be more active on 100hookup; engaging women by trying to start more IM conversations, and sending out more emails, all in an attempt to try to build up some confidence. The other night I saw a woman online that I thought was cute and, in keeping with my new mentality, I quickly clicked on her name to check out her profile. After a brief skim, I decided to IM her. Since she was wearing an Indiana University shirt in one of her photos, and I attended IU for my undergraduate degree, I thought, “So, are you a fellow IU grad?” was a decent way to open up the conversation.

After a minute or two of no response, I realized that she probably never got my IM because, while I was in the process of looking at her profile, she had gone offline.  Thus, my next move was to send her a flirt and this, once again, led me back to her profile for another in-depth look. Yet, while looking over her profile again and considering what else we might have in common, I began to put the pieces together that I knew this girl better.

23-years-old, special education teacher, Indiana University: I do know this girl. The light bulb illuminated in my head when I suddenly realized that she was a good friend of a woman I had recently dated.

Subsequent to this conclusion were immediate feelings of guilt because I had been trying to flirt with/hit on the friend of someone I had dated. Unfortunately, for me, there was no going back, especially since the IM and flirt had already been sent, and the perceived “damage” had been done. But was this mistake really that big of a deal? Did I really do something so terrible? It’s not like I asked her out on a date, or even kept pursuing her after I realized who she was. Come on. When I break it down in my head it really doesn’t seem that bad: I saw a cute girl online, attempted to flirt with her, realized my connection to her, and now feel silly about it. Sure, judge me if you must. But I’m ready to move on.

A few (four) years ago, I was not in a good place.  I was living in Austin, TX, and doing badly in school.  After one of my obligatory sleep sessions, where I slept anywhere between ten and forty hours at a time, my friend came in and asked if I wanted a tattoo.  Of course I didn’t want a tattoo.  Who deliberately wants a tattoo?  Seriously, even people with tattoos don’t want a tattoo.  But back then I wasn’t myself, so I answered, “Absolutely!”  We got to the tattoo parlor before I woke up completely. In fact, I didn’t fully wake until I felt a hot needle piercing my skin, and saw blood running down my arm.  Apparently I was in the middle of getting a tattoo; one of many life mistakes that I have made.

The tattoo design that I decided on while half asleep and fully medicated was the sentence, “i’m sorry”.  That’s right. I didn’t even have the decency to capitalize the first letter or properly end it with a period.  At the time, I had a tendency to say “I’m sorry” a lot.  My self-consciousness was high, and I often felt guilty for things that were nowhere near my fault.  The obvious remedy for this was a tattoo.  Any psychiatrist or licensed tattoo artist can tell you that.

My friends decided that anytime I felt the urge to say “I’m sorry” I should lift up my sleeve and show the other party my tattoo.  While this method is sound in theory, in practice it is marred by two obstacles.  First, in any environment with dark lighting, or no lighting, the second party would not be able to read my arm.  Second, I didn’t think about the amount of hair that I would have accumulated on my upper arm by age twenty six.  Today, the tattoo looks no different than any other ridiculously hairy arm.

Self-consciousness can easily be detected by women.  This has always been a big problem for me.  Aside from my inclination to apologize for everything, G-d has also conveniently given me overactive sweat glands and an overdose of misplaced guilt.  In addition, I have given myself a ridiculous tattoo that is now covered in years of hair.

Dear Tamar,

Why do some guys respond to my inquiries with lightening fast reflexes while others are slow as molasses? Thanks!

Dear Response Time Riddle,

Most of my mail comes from people that don’t know why they aren’t getting any response at all, so the fact that you are actually getting responses is what really matters, right? LOL!  But, I can totally understand your frustration and I can only assume that the guys you’re really interested in are the ones who respond slowly, right? There are so, so many reasons someone can have for not responding quickly: maybe he’s been busy at work or out of town and hasn’t had time for 100hookup; maybe he had just met someone and wanted to give her a fair shake; maybe he wasn’t sure if he was interested in you and was taking his time trying to decide. Some guys may be responding faster because they’re new on 100hookup and more eager, or they were instantly smitten by your email and profile and didn’t need time to think about it or they’re just more active on 100hookup looking for their Beshert. Who really knows? I do know you should give every guy a chance no matter how long they take to contact you and not to mention the time lapse because you never know where you’ll find your Beshert. Good Luck!

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One of my best friends has been flirting with the idea of joining 100hookup for some time now. Ever since I first joined at the beginning of the summer whenever we hang out he asks me about it and expresses his interest, however, he has been unable to pull the trigger. His procrastination is probably due to the fact that he meets a lot of women, and goes out on dates pretty much every week, so a part of him is probably pretty content with his current dating life.

However, in spite of the volume of women he meets, and number of dates he goes on, I suspect that deep down he knows that 100hookup would be a great resource to him because it would give him the opportunity to meet different types of women that he otherwise would have probably never met. I think that part of the problem that people like my friend run into is that even though they have an active dating life and are meeting a bunch of people every week, they are meeting the same type of person.

For example, if you go to the same bars and hang out with the same people you are going to be limited to a general type of person who enjoys that particular bar and works or hangs out with the people you know. Therefore, while you may not necessarily be limited by the number of people you meet that are potentially datable, you are still keeping yourself from meeting people from other circles. It is a result of this limitation that I believe directly correlates to why my friend’s dates never seem to turn into relationships because ultimately he is just replicating the same dating situation over and over with the same type of girl.

This is why I believe that the online dating community would open up his dating world to women that he would have otherwise never met, since unlike his usual bars, 100hookup is populated by people of all different personalities, backgrounds and ideologies. You see, my friend has inadvertently put himself in a box, like so many of us have during our dating careers.  That’s fine for a time, but whether it be with the people you are meeting in bars, or those you are trying to start conversations with online, sometimes you have to go outside your box and shake things up a little bit, which in the example of my friend, would be joining the online community and having the chance to meet all different types of interesting women.

Dear Tamar,

Do you think after spending 39 years with your Beshert, there is another one out there?  I am a young-ish widow (58 years old) and wonder if I will spend the remainder of my life without that type of love again.

Dear True Love Take 2,

First, I am sorry for your loss. Losing my spouse at a young age is one of my worst nightmares. My parents have friends in this situation as well, and I’ve fully supported them in signing up for 100hookup, attending temple functions and going on blind dates. You are young, active, and could have 40 more years of living to do (knock on wood) and want someone to share that with. Totally understandable!  That said, I do think it’s possible to find true love again! Not only do I believe in there being more than one Beshert for each of us, but I believe that once we’re in a different stage of our lives — as you are — our idea of who or what defines a Beshert is different from our definition when we were much younger.  Just think, compared to 39 years ago, your list of preferences is so much simpler — you’re not worried about finishing college, having kids, buying your first place, getting a job that will support your growing family and so forth. You’re probably more concerned with sharing the same interests in movies, food, traveling, and spending time with grandchildren. Keep your 100hookup preferences as broad as possible and let your friends, family, Rabbi and virtually everyone you come in contact with know that you’re interested in being set-up. Good luck!

I am trying to get better at determining when it’s a good time to transition from an online conversation, either via email or Instant Message, to an actual face to face first date, or when I am better off just ending things because neither of us really seems that interested.  As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs I am not someone who operates under the same pretenses and patterns with every person that I meet online.  Therefore, it is important that I read the situation correctly and trust my instincts so that I don’t waste my time talking to a bunch of women with limited potential for actually ever going out on an enjoyable date.

While figuring this out isn’t rocket science I do believe that there is a fair amount of calculations that go into determining what is the right course of action in a given situation. First off, let me reiterate my feeling that you can’t treat every person and situation the same, and those who have a template for how they approach and communicate with people in my opinion are making a big mistake. You can’t lump everyone you meet, whether it’s online, at a bar, or at work, into one group and interact with them all in the exact same way. While I do understand that some people like to ask a few of the same initial questions of those they are getting to know, that is hardly the same as waiting for a certain amount of emails  to transpire before asking someone out for coffee, no matter what vibe the other person is giving you.

You have to feel people out; pay attention to the underlying tone in their responses in order to determine if they are becoming more comfortable sharing information with you, or whether they seem to be uninterested. One of the questions I always try to ask myself is whether or not I feel like the other person is pushing the conversation forward as much as I am. Are they asking me questions that show they’re truly interested in me, or are they just answering my questions and repeating them back to me?  If that is the case then perhaps I should just leave well enough alone since I’m not getting very much out of the correspondence.

During every online conversation there are signals that indicate if things are going well and if it’s the right time to meet, or if it’s not. Often times, especially when we haven’t had any good conversations in a while, we try to force things along and end up either turning the other person off or going out on a first date that we never should have gone on. So keep an open mind when talking with people, trust your instincts when gauging their responses and figuring out their level of interest in you, because there are a lot of fish in the online sea so why waste your time trying to force things to work with the wrong ones.

Another broken rule that can be given a “pass” is when a guy calls to ask you out for the weekend after Wednesday. On one hand a man may need to know you require more advanced warning because you are a busy and popular gal, but if he’s calling you on a Thursday for Saturday and you have nothing to do and on top of that you actually like the guy, than why not accept the date? This “pass” is perfect for giving out (theoretically given out, please don’t actually tell him you’re giving him a “pass” or make a book of coupons) when you met the man within the same week or when you know he’s just returning from a work trip or when you had your first date a few days prior and you really enjoyed yourself and want to keep the momentum going.

A “pass” should not be given out in extreme circumstances. Sometimes you need to set a bar for yourself on how you wish to be treated and not let anyone manipulate those standards, no matter how charming he may be. Like when you emailed a 100hookup your phone number and he ignored it completely and continued to email you. A “pass” should not be given out when you feel disappointed or hurt because you don’t want to set a precedent that this type of behavior is okay.

Silly rules for dating have been created by people who used the tactics once – and coincidentally succeeded – rules are made to be broken for just this reason… they are silly! If you want to give a guy a break for waiting three days to call you instead of two, then do so. Who knows, he may be the one and had you not given him some leeway you would never have known that.

Dear Tamar,

I have been on 100hookup for a few months. More than 100 men have viewed my profile. I am communicative and don’t hesitate to reach out. I don’t usually have self confidence issues, am optimistic and funny but no one responds to me. Many of those men seemed like serious, interesting people who I’d love to meet just for coffee. I do not mind being on my own, but I desire companionship and connections with other people. My father suggested it’s because I am healing from a spinal problem. I have so much to offer the right person, but I won’t be dishonest. Could people possibly be rejecting me because I can’t do cartwheels right now? The lack of response is disheartening, but also baffling. I tell myself I am only looking for one, but it doesn’t change the fact that no one responds to me. Any advice?

Dear What’s TMI?

I give you credit for making such an effort while recovering from a spinal injury. That said, I don’t think mentioning that injury is necessary in an introductory email and especially not in your profile — this includes not having photos showing your injury. You’re not lying; this information is simply none of their business at this point. To put it blunt — these guys are basically strangers right now. A disability, a divorce, or depression, or anything that could be seen as negative or as “baggage,” is TMI — too much information. My advice would be to not mention your injury and recovery until you are making plans to meet. The first date will probably take place at the typical bar, restaurant or coffee shop, so simply mention you’ll be arriving in a brace or using a walker or what-have-you and briefly explain why and offer to tell the whole story on the date. Do not mention your injury before then. Any emails you send to men on 100hookup should be casual, upbeat, and short and sweet. Mentioning this and explaining your recovery from a spinal injury is anything but those three things and it unfortunately doesn’t surprise me that you haven’t received a response. I bet with your new approach, you will! Good luck on your recovery and on finding love!

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