Archive for October, 2009

Last night on Californication, the main guy Hank Moody, launched like a bat out of hell into this tirade about how dating is merely a means to an end. Granted the not-entirely-reformed rake was at one point willing to sacrifice his many women for a life with just one, but after getting shot down by the realistic (and oh so depressing) notion that the union would be more like solitary confinement rather than a blissful state of mind, he bought a one-way ticket right back to his old ways. Old habits do indeed die hard, and his eagerness to sample every one of the thirty one flavors of women was really quite astounding – purely from a stamina point of view. So while Moody is multitasking women like it’s going out of style, it wasn’t exactly because he found joy from any of the several girls by his side. It was simply because what’s a better way to heal old wounds than by a distraction, or two, or thirty one? So while we girls remind ourselves not to hate the player, but hate the game – remember that just because we’ve been wounded doesn’t mean the man of the moment hasn’t as well. Patience is a virtue, and while time is absolutely of the essence, it’s not a make it or break it type of scenario. So while you’re at home crying over enduring another insufferable Lifetime movie moment, remember that the happily ever after is still out there – you may just have to get up and change the channel yourself.

New York City Singles 2009–The Ultimate Dating Guide from the Dater’s Point of View. As usual, my friend and I were deep in “serious” Seinfeld-esque discussions involving our celebrity lists…Emmanuelle Chriqui, Kate Beckinsale, Denzel Washington…Then we quickly switched gears to what we thought was a brilliant idea. What if there was an imdb or Zagat for dating? All necessary information would be available with feedback and ratings. We could have categories like “Cost” (high/low maintenance/Am Ex Black Card), “Decor” (Carson Kressley HELP!), “Service” (Getting into Harvard is easier) and “Overall Date.” That way before you asked someone out, you’d know prior what to expect. Efficiency at its best.

Imagine the reviews: “Great in its heyday,” “lovely garden,” “neighborhood favorite,” “NYC’s finest hottie,” “kind of, sort of,” “chaotic,” “authentic without extraneous enhancements,” “doesn’t disappoint”, “cheapskate took the phony offer,” “phony offer made,” “ever-changing menu-commitment phopic” and “Per-fect palate awakening.”Of course included in this guide will be those fun adhesive tabs “Love it,” “Must Try,” “Best in Bed,” “Top Pick” and specialty sections “Geographically Desirable,” “Key Newcomers,” “Back on the Market,” and “Brunch Worthy.”

Coming soon…

Correction: There is indeed a Zagat Guide for Dating entitled Zagat Dating and Dumping Guide – one for New York and one for Los Angeles readers! As if that wasn’t enough, there is also a Zagat iPhone application where you can find the best places to go on a date!

Dear Gems from Jen,

My best friend of over 10 years recently broke up with her boyfriend of four years. When she called to talk to me about it, she explained that one of the main reasons that they broke up was because she started thinking about what their future together would be like and realized that they had irreconcilable differences when it came to religion and spirituality (namely that he wasn’t hookup). She went on to tell me that she wanted to be single and see what was out there and maybe find a nice hookup guy that spoke Hebrew. The conversation got me thinking and I started hoping that I was that guy.

There was a time when we first met that I was in love with her. Nothing ever came of it, but I have loved her as a friend for as long as I’ve known her. She’s smart, has an amazing smile, loves music and there isn’t a woman that I’ve dated since we’ve known each other that I didn’t compare to her in some way or another. I’m getting older and I feel like my window of opportunity is shrinking, but I wonder if it’s worth it.

In my heart, telling her how I feel seems like the right thing to do. I know it’s selfish and I know that she still has feelings for her ex, but I don’t want to live my life regretting not taking that chance. We don’t live in the same city and I’m thinking about visiting soon and telling her what’s on my mind. Do these ‘best friend professes love’ situations ever pan out or am I just a fool in love?

Please help.

Sincerely,
M in Love

Dear M in Love,

I believe that one of the most important components of a relationship is the best friend piece. Now, does that mean this will ultimately work in the way you are hoping? I sure hope so, but I can’t be sure. You have a lot to think about here. Are you willing to risk this friendship if she does not reciprocate your feelings? In my experience, it can become awkward when a friend professes love. When it has happened in my life I usually saw it coming, but for the most part, I haven’t been on the other end of the situation. However, this is my experience and her feelings may be exactly what you are hoping for.

Secondly, if things do go your way, what happens if the relationship does not last? Changing the dynamic of a friendship does tend to change everything. Is your friendship strong enough to bounce back from a romantic relationship if for some reason it does not work out?

Why is it selfish for you to be honest about your feelings? Also consider the timing of your revelation. Perhaps letting her have some more time to move on from her ex might make both of you feel more comfortable. If you chose to tell her how you really feel, don’t wait too long.  The longer you take the more difficult it will become. Most people tend to over analyze the situation, which creates unnecessary anxiety.

My next question; if you have always had these feelings why have you held back for all these years? You never know, she could have these same feelings and is waiting for a sign from you. Living life with regrets is really no way to live. I cannot make you any promises, but I don’t want you to look back at this moment years from now and have thoughts of “what if…” Sometimes the risk is worth the potential fall.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Any suggestions for those of us living far from other members? I have written to many men who peak my interest, but they live three hours away by car. I am willing to travel to meet them, but just about every time they tell me I sound very interesting, but they don’t want to meet because of the distance. Are there really people who meet despite the distance between them? What makes the difference?

Dear Too Many Miles,

My best suggestion is to keep up the search. Yes, there are people willing to meet even if there is some distance. I do realize there are some people who would prefer the convenience of having a date closer, but that does not necessarily mean you don’t have a shot with at least some of them.  Not being geographically desirable does not make or break someone’s chances.  It might make your pickings a bit slimmer, but if two people are interested in one another it can and does happen.

If you are not getting the responses you desire, try narrowing your search to potential matches that live a bit closer. Don’t give up though. Dating takes time and energy and is usually worth the effort.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

Dating in L.A., more often than not, is not entirely unlike surviving the 405. It basically makes you want to just drive right off the road rather than actually driving to where you want to go. But you still try and merge into whatever lane looks like it’ll have you at the desired destination fastest. Problem is, when you finally successfully set yourself up in said lane, it comes to a complete standstill and you’re left to try and merge into another. So you turn up your radio or talk on your cell to block out the outside drama. But that distraction only serves to introduce you to the next near-death experience, which is pretty much what happens when you listen to several different friends’ dating advice. Someone tells you to play hard to get, another tells you to tease, and before you know it you’re left with whiplash from all the emotional extremes. Too bad a chiropractor can’t tweak you back as easily from this as after a five car pileup. Then, just as you’re sure the only thing left to do is turn off the engine and leave your car stranded in the middle of this ferocious freeway altogether, you see a really cute guy in the car next to you. So you speed up, slow down, try and find the right pace, and it begins again. Or at least it keeps you going until the next time you want to crash and burn.

The other day one of my close guy friends and I were discussing the current happenings in our dating lives. He had recently met someone and, though it was early, he had a bounce in his step and seemed to be diving-in with a solo focus. On the other hand, I was taking it a little more steady; going for the slow-burning-candle approach, truly taking the time to “date” and getting to know the person without jumping to any immediate conclusion or into an exclusive relationship (albeit that is my goal).

As it turns out this time, the intense fire burnt out for my friend and, well, my candle is still steadily burning for the time being.  What does this mean? Absolutely nothing! It is just a different course.  I told my friend – who now seemed to think my path was the way to go after his disappointment – when it is the “right” person the approach is pretty irrelevant.  The one benefit of the slow burning candle is that it allows for clarity, trust and organic development.  And that is huge in my dating world.

Dear Gems from Jen,

My date keeps looking on 100hookup. We have met twice, and it seems we have much in common. We both do visual art, and our jobs are fairly retailed. He seems to be a respected business man and well behaved. Should I be anxious about it, confront him and draw the line? Or just go with the flow and make the best out of what he offers and have fun?

Gail

Dear Gail,

Two dates is a nice start, but it does not sound like this is a committed relationship, at least not yet.  My question to you is; how do you know he is continuing to look on 100hookup? There are only a couple of possible answers. Either you are continuing to look as well, or you are keeping tabs on him.  My suggestion is to slow down, way down. What will confronting him with this information and drawing the line do for you? My best guess is it will make him run and hide and it will cause you to lose any potential you might have with this man. Rushing a relationship does not generally work. Go with the flow and see what develops. It sounds like you are off to a great start. Take your time and enjoy the experience of getting to know this guy. Keep your profile on 100hookup and continue dating until you have entered into an exclusive relationship. Have some fun with your dating experiences.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

So there you are on a first date which often feels like an interview from your academic resume by your siblings. The fact is that rarely anything earth shattering is going to be revealed on your first or second meeting.  I am amused thinking of the convenience and efficiency if the cards were placed on the table revealing everyone’s  baggage and so early on you can make the determination of whether or not you might want to invest  in another three months in the courtship ritual. Granted it takes away the chance of falling in love and then perhaps those Jokers aren’t as much as a stumbling block as you might have otherwise thought.

However for me, that hasn’t been the case during those first meetings. You sit across the table as you hear the yadi yadi catching every third word or so and wondering, ‘is this someone I want to kiss?’ C’mon, you know you all have thought that as he/she is recanting that funny story from their younger days.  While making this determination you hear the yadi yadi yadi and may miss some good nuggets of substantive information that reveal the person’s character. And seriously, isn’t that the most important thing (of course, after an initial determination of kissability)?

To serve as some sort of distraction from the various ups and downs of my love life, my beautiful best friend has taken it upon herself to thrust me head-first into a new hobby: maid of honor. While I am honored and appreciate said distraction, going from 0-M.V.P. in 6.3 seconds flat has me feeling slightly lost, and GPS is in no position to navigate me through the storm ahead. Aside from the various fun duties a.k.a., party planning, I get to bide my time with the teeny tiny matter of the dreaded bridesmaids’ dresses. I’m not entirely sure who initially thought that proper wed-iquette dictates that thou shalt dress in Pepto-Bismol-style pastels while skipping down the aisle, but thanks for that. People may confuse me with an Easter peep, but rest assured that pretty pink abomination is yours truly. Saving grace exists in the form of four other girls I get to share this time honored tradition with, so at least I’m not alone. And when I inflict this traditional torture on my fair friends in the future, it will be in black, because once you go black, you never go back.